Greatest Rants of CPS

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Cleon
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Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Cleon » Wed Dec 21, 2011 1:53 pm

I was thinking of all rants I've read since joining CPS. Some good. Some Bad. Some are mean. Some make you laugh. Some make you think. Anyway, I thought I'd post some of the more memorable ones here. Enjoy.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Post by Cleon » Wed Dec 21, 2011 1:53 pm

Renn Faire: Almost as Ghey as Pagans
LushMojo wrote:I'm a tolerant guy; I really am. I get along with pretty much anyone, except....EXCEPT the tards down at Renaissance Festival (or Renn Faire as "Nerds in the Know" will tell you). Every time I see one of these people dressed up in some leather get-up and speaking Ye Olde EnglyshI just want to beat them to death with one of those gigantic turkey legs that they seem to be so fond of.

"But wait!" cryeth the damsel in the bodice with the fluffed up bosoms. "It's just good fun and we....we....we get to joust!!"

No, dear heart, jousting and wearing ridiculous clothes is not good fun. Playing dominoes is fun. Strip poker is fun. Skiing, fun. Seeing a great film....fun. Exploring new sexual positions with your wife in your neighbor's house while they're away on vacation and they asked you to feed their cat....that's fun.

Really unattractive people pretending to be archers while their husband battles massive crotchrot in his Limited Edition D&D Codpiece - not fun. Watching "adults" twirl and dance the Dance of the Flatulent Morons - not fun. See how this works?

Now, I realize that most of the people that will defend the Renn Faire are probably still living in their parents' basement and enjoying wild games of Dungeons and Dragons with other high school dropouts, so let's do a pictorial review.

This?
Image
Not cool.

Or this?
Image
REALLY not cool!

And THIS?!
Image
This is just disturbing on so many levels that it boggles the mind. It appears that the guy on the right is instructing the children in some form of "magical" game that involves what appears to be fingercuffs. Fingercuffs, people. Do I even need to go any further? And the guy on the left is just blazing up a doobage. And doth my eyes playeth tricks on me? Or is that the StarWars Kid trying to find the exit there in the background? See?! Even HE'S cooler than this stuff! That's gotta tell you something.

The really sad part about all this is that people will continue to enjoy this type of behavior. They'll flock to these events by the tens and twenties and they'll skip and frolic about their May poles and enjoy fine cuisine like roasted ears of corn dipped in simulated butter. They'll smile with their wink and nudge as if they really are cool. They'll then retreat to their apres-fest for grog and ale and have their friends review their Renn Faire wedding photos.

As I was contemplating writing this, I decided to ask my wife what she thought. She's level-headed, highly educated, and generally calls it like she sees it. She's also pretty laid back and not given to snap judgment. So, her response is telling.

I called into the loft where she was writing,

"Hey Counsellor!"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think of the Renn Faire folks?"

"Huge f**kwits, why?"

I think I've adequately stated the case here. But you're probably still asking....."Will, why do you rail against these people so? Why can't you just leave them in their state of nerdy oblivion?"

I'll tell you why. BECAUSE OF THIS!!
Image
Yes, that's right. Through extensive research, I've uncovered the hideous facts behind these people. The inner circle of pagans that run these "festivals" are secretly worshipping Ernest Borgnine. I know. I know. But it's true. They sacrifice countless turkeys in his name (are you beginning to see how this is falling into place?). They attend secret parties at the lair or Casey Kasem and Tony Little (who are both Renn Fairian High Priests - and incidentally were betrothed in one of their twisted Renn Faire weddings).

So, you see, I'm only trying to help here. I'm putting my foot down once and for all. This must stop! If you let one more friend attend one of these events, you're only playing into his hands...
Image

God help us. God help us all.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Cleon
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Post by Cleon » Wed Dec 21, 2011 1:57 pm

worship experience vs corporate worship
Skip wrote:I'm frankly uncertain as to how to respond.

I understand tuttle's clarification about youth group pep rallies and worship not being meaningful unless everybody left having been "deeply moved." I agree; if every worship service is designed around making sure everybody leaves "deeply moved" then you're worshiping for the wrong reasons. As earlier stated, that's motherhood and apple pie, preaching to the choir, don't know how you'd expect anybody to disagree.

But if this is simply another way to dive back into the ill-defined "contemporary" v. "traditional" music debate, discuss lighting levels, frequency of sacraments - or even lack thereof - or placement of the choir chairs, or colour of the robes and vestments and whether or not the pastor wears a suit or a special collar or stands on the left or the right or climbs a ladder or sits on a stool in the center of an empty stage or has a lapel mic or a 60's era stand mike with tube amps and a clueless guy on sound who can't adjust for feedback or doesn't need a microphone because, dadgum it he's belting out the WORD OF GOD and God doesn't need any devil-spawned electronics to be heard all the way to the back of the church, which happens to have solid, straight-backed pews that keep people awake and are permanently attached to the floor because this sanctuary is only to be used for one purpose and there's no way it's going to be used for anything else, because if those high school students we've invited here and to whom we want to explain the Gospel and the Good News and God's Infinite Love and Mercy don't understand that this is a CHURCH, dammit, and not a basketball court then they can go to hell with the rest of those who have such total lack of respect that they'll wear street clothes into the sanctuary, because even though we say that we should be worshiping God seven days a week and not just six that doesn't mean we think the other six are as special as that one, and we don't care if you spent $300 for that outfit and our deacon only dropped 25 bucks on that three-piece, plaid polyester suit he bought in 1983 under the K-Mart blinking blue beacon of bargain, everybody with half a brain knows that God prefers men to wear suits and ties, because when the preacher starts getting red in the face talking about sin - and any preacher who doesn't mention sin at least fourteen times in every sermon is a pansy-assed, liberal, ecumenical jerk who doesn't really represent Jesus but obviously worships some happy guy in the sky because any real Christian knows that in Christianity there is no joy, only forgiveness of our heinous sins and we should spend all our time groveling in abject humility despite calling it the Good News and remembering "come to me, you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest" and having taught our children that "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so" but the Bible also tells us we really should be crisping in Hell because we're freaking worms - that's when any man who isn't fooling himself can reach up and put his fingers underneath his collar and pull it out, thus proving that he has the brains to be uncomfortable about his salvation - even though some of us teach that once we're saved we're always saved - and have you ever tried to publicly demonstrate your discomfort when wearing a polo shirt that belongs on a golf course and not in the house of God, where you go to worship, and worship is defined in the Bible, and it's not your right to question our interpretation of the scriptures that define worship, because all those other Catholics and Calvinists and Arminians, and Charismatics, and Evangelicals, and Apostolics, and Independents, and Moderately Dependent, and Almost Out On Our Own But Still Needing A Bit of Help Here and There have it wrong, wrong, wrong, because our preacher has a diploma from the Northwest Southern College of Biblical Theological Buttkicking or The University of Our Sister of the Brethren of the Perpetually Late Second Cousin of John the Exterminator and that makes him Totally Right and everybody else Totally Wrong even if he did only graduate by the skin of his teeth but that wasn't really his fault since he was going through a divorce at the time and the Holy Spirit isn't going to hold that against him and even if he says something wrong God's going to make it all right in the end, and he says we need to preach like this and pray like this and interpret scripture like this and sing like this with these instruments and this harmony and even though the Bible tells us that nobody is smart enough to understand it all we know that God's revealed more to us than he has to you, and since Truth isn't relative, we know beyond any shadow of a doubt that we have that Truth and everything we do is right, which means doing it any way other than what we do it is wrong - even if we do avoid conflict by saying you simply believe differently or you're in imperfect communion - and if you experience anything somewhere else in their so-called "worship" that you don't experience here and you somehow prefer their so-called "worship" over our Holy, Blessed, and True Worship (tm) (pat. pending) it has nothing to do with our incompetence or lack of planning or closed-mindedness or culture or generation or tradition (not that most of us are willing to call it tradition because that suggests it isn't straight from the word of God which we have in four versions that are all translations or only one version because it IS the translation) it's because they're obviously doing everything for the wrong reasons, bowing to the World in all its evil, and glorifying Man rather than God. That, and they probably have a larger budget.


If that's where this thread's headed, I should probably bow out now before I decide I have something to say on the subject.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Post by Cleon » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:00 pm

In praise of the mighty churchwarden
Probably my favorite:
A_Morley wrote:Well gee, it seems that I have to stand up and testify at least once a year over this.

I hate churchwardens. Oh, but I do hate them. I hate them so, so much. They are a pipe that seeks only to make a statement of appearance for people who are not distinguished or interesting in and of themselves. They are hard to clean. They are easy to break—not that this is a bad thing. And, given that I am in the habit of doing anything and everything with a pipe in my mouth, not simply sitting on my duff like the Sultan of Jackassastan as I enjoy my once or twice weekly ritual of Tolkienesque tobacco time, I find them incredibly awkward to smoke.

I have smoked a pipe nearly every day of my life for more than a decade now. Not once have I thought ‘boy howdy, if only this pipe had an idiotically long stem on it, I just know I would enjoy smoking it so much more.’ On the few occasions in which I was induced to smoke of a churchwarden, I was nothing but sorry that I had and felt nothing but the most blessed relief when I again filled and lit one of my group three billiards.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Post by Rusty » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:01 pm

You're on a roll, aren't you?

:lol:

We need that youtube vid link of AMJ devastating whoever....
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Post by Cleon » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:07 pm

Rusty wrote:You're on a roll, aren't you?

:lol:

We need that youtube vid link of AMJ devastating whoever....
Right here my red-headed, Canadian, Charatan loving, antagonistically agnostic friend - :wink:

And a video by A_Morley:

Now You Listen To Me – Parking Guy
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Post by colton » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:16 pm

A_Morley wrote:I, for one, am upset by these developments. Why do the Romans always end up roping in those people I most admire? G. K. Chesterton, Dug, my own wife; and now Uncle Bob: that man whose word on pipes and tobacco I hearkened ever towards in the days even before I joined CPS; he, whose council I rank as second only to my own of any one living; he now feels, as I, I will confess it, have often felt, the draw of popery. Oh calamity. Canterbury! You who were once the refuge of stodgy pipe smokers and reserved raconteurs, you who could once say ‘yes, the Romans may have the primacy of Peter, but we have the elevated prosody of Thomas Cranmer and Jeremy Taylor and the ministrations of a host of half-mad country vicars at our disposal.'

Oh Anglican Communion! What triumphs can you uphold if you allow Uncle Bob to slip through your bony fingers and fall into the grasp of imperious Italians? I would not have given Uncle Bob for a wilderness of Katharine Jefferts Schoris.

Leave me now. I must weep.

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Post by DepartedLight » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:25 pm

Cleon wrote:worship experience vs corporate worship
Skip wrote:I'm frankly uncertain as to how to respond. ...
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Post by coco » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:27 pm

The Attributes of Cobs
jocose wrote:There are many terrible attributes to the lowly cob, I will name only a few:

First issue, taste of the burning wood stem.
Second issue, taste of burning epoxy.
Third issue, taste of the burning/charred corn bowl.
Fourth issue, cheap, crappy, uncomfortable bits that easily break.
Fifth issue, bits that become either too loose or too tight.
Sixth issue, a pipe cleaner is almost impossible to use on those crap 'pinched' bent stems.
Seventh issue, the MAJOR condensation build up on the inferior stems.
Eighth issue, the bowls are way to small.
Ninth issue, the ugliness
Tenth issue, the rust that builds up on the stem/stummel connection.
Eleventh issue, no matter how "broke-in" it is, it still imparts a burnt corn flavor.
Twelfth issue, there is plaster in the bottom of the bowl.
Issue #13.. It's a Hillbilly souvenir/toy, not a real pipe.
Issue #14, I dont care who you are, you look funny while 'smoking' a cob.


So, I got to wondering, if a cob style pipe were to be built with a Briar bowl (or clay, meer, etc.) but came with a glued in wooden stem that was set into a bed of plaster, and if this so-called pipe imparted a charred/burnt taste, and used cheap inferior bits that were either too loose or too tight, it most certainly would be deemed a joke. But hey, put a piece of dried corn cob on the end and people think its the greatest thing ever ???
Last edited by coco on Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a cob with a forever lucite stem." (Pipverbs 1:1)
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Post by Gabriel » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:40 pm

Pure gold, those. :D
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Post by Thoth » Wed Dec 21, 2011 2:47 pm

I would like to humbly include my rant on the Unintended Fruit of the Reformation

It even has Skip's seal of approval
Skip wrote:
Thoth wrote:
tuttle wrote: Obviously I have my understandings of why but seeing as there are differing points of view on this subject i thought it might be an interesting discussion.

Why was the Reformation so effective? (effective in the since that it there an actual historical effect that rocked the church in a way that no other event has)

and a follow up question to consider: was it a good or bad thing?
Well two other events pop up in my mind that had large lasting effects on the Church and the world, as well. First being Chalcedonian Schism of 451 which allowed to the rapid spread of Islam in the middle east (and lead to such fun things as the Crusades) and the Great schism of 1054.

Though the Reformation was effective in serving as a catalyst for change giving rise to the Counter-reformation and other events.

That all I'm going to say, because if I go into how because of the Reformation I have run into guys on street corners asking if I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and won't leave me alone when I answer yes. Even after I show them my cross, explain to them how I am deacon and Sunday School teacher within my Church and try to explain a whole bunch of things to try to prove to them I have accepted Jesus as my savior, stopping short of reciting the Nicene creed to them and showing them a copy of my baptismal certificate. Insisting I recite some prayer with them insisting that these few lines are more important that all I have gone through explaining to them. Making me wish when I was asked to have either replied Hail Satan and asked if they wished to partake of some unbaptised baby blood with me or start chanting Allahu Akbar and then start ulalating. It enough to make want to start field testing .308 and .30-06 to see which is the more accurate round. :twisted:

Man, Thoth, Bro, if you could've tied some conjunctions into that and turned it into a run-on sentence that would've been rant-of-the-month type fodder. Rock on!
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Post by UncleBob » Wed Dec 21, 2011 3:55 pm

colton wrote:
A_Morley wrote:I, for one, am upset by these developments. Why do the Romans always end up roping in those people I most admire? G. K. Chesterton, Dug, my own wife; and now Uncle Bob: that man whose word on pipes and tobacco I hearkened ever towards in the days even before I joined CPS; he, whose council I rank as second only to my own of any one living; he now feels, as I, I will confess it, have often felt, the draw of popery. Oh calamity. Canterbury! You who were once the refuge of stodgy pipe smokers and reserved raconteurs, you who could once say ‘yes, the Romans may have the primacy of Peter, but we have the elevated prosody of Thomas Cranmer and Jeremy Taylor and the ministrations of a host of half-mad country vicars at our disposal.'

Oh Anglican Communion! What triumphs can you uphold if you allow Uncle Bob to slip through your bony fingers and fall into the grasp of imperious Italians? I would not have given Uncle Bob for a wilderness of Katharine Jefferts Schoris.

Leave me now. I must weep.
LOL!! That is classic Morley.
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Post by tuttle » Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:07 pm

DepartedLight wrote:
Cleon wrote:worship experience vs corporate worship
Skip wrote:I'm frankly uncertain as to how to respond. ...
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it holds a dear place in my heart
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Post by Roadmaster » Wed Dec 21, 2011 9:22 pm

Thoth had a good defense of cobs but I can't find it.
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Post by Irish-Dane » Sat Dec 24, 2011 8:14 am

This reminiscing thread may be the best new thread of 2011. Where's the award judges? When someone finds them, tell them to get Cleon a golden statue. Or at least a really nice participation ribbon.
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Skip » Tue Nov 22, 2016 2:10 pm

Zombie thread!!!

(Because I was looking for an ancient long-sentence rant that came into a recent discussion between Pepik and me over some kick-butt martinis. It's up there...)
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by philofumo » Tue Nov 22, 2016 2:13 pm

I'm a lover,
not a ranter.

:mermaid:

G R E A T
T H R E A D ! ! !


Call me Mr. Marmite,
but OldTom is only a keystroke away... :D

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by ReverendThom » Thu Nov 24, 2016 9:57 pm

Awesome. This is important history for us younguns

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by durangopipe » Fri Nov 25, 2016 1:03 am

ReverendThom wrote:Awesome. This is important history for us younguns

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Even us olduns!
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Del » Fri Nov 25, 2016 9:46 am

This is so worthy.....
A_Morley wrote: Re: I had a great time at Del's house!

Seeing as I was in the neighborhood of Youbetcha, Wisconsin, I decided to drop my good buddy Del a line to see if he was up for a little visit. Well, ol' Delster said, "Of course!" and boy howdy and gee whiz almighty am I glad he did! I had a whopping whale of a time with Del, Mrs. Del, Pipeson, Cigarson, and Del's whole crazy fandamly. I tell you what, if that kinda fun isn't against the law, well, it should be! :yes:

When I drove up, there was Del, standing in his front yard which was festooned with lawn gnomes, pink flamingos, and about twenty neato whirligigs and bathtub Madonnas. Del had the biggest smile of his ol' mug and was just waving to beat the band at every car that passed. When I got out, Del came right up and gave me the biggest gosh darn hug that made me feel extra special and super welcome. We just stood there, Del and I, hugging, right in Del's driveway. That hug seemed to go on forever. It was great! You've never been hugged by another man until you have been hugged by Del. :grouphug:

When we eventually stopped hugging and went inside, there was Mrs. Del, Del's lovely bride. I gave her the Jell-O salad and the box of rosé I had brought along and was all set for another great big hug, but instead, Mrs. Del pointed below my beltline and said,

"And just what do you call those, Mr Man?! We don't wear pants in this house. No siree, Bob!"

And before I knew it, I was wrestled to the floor by one or more of Del's brawny, Midwestern kinsmen, stripped of my trousers, and given my very own kilt to wear. It seemed odd to be wearing a kilt with the Green Bay Packers sweatshirt and hiking boots that I had on, but, as the old saying goes, when in Rome, wear a kilt and a fez!

While Mrs. Del finished up in the kitchen, Del offered me a drink. I told him I'd take a diet 7 Up and flavored vodka, which he promptly served up in a red plastic cup. That Del's a real mixologist, I tell you what. 8)

Del took me all over his split level ranch house, showing me all kinds of neat stuff like his collection of novelty postcards of humorous outhouses, his collection of novelty salt and pepper shakers, his collection of novelty toilet seat covers, and his collection of things that look like corn but are not, in fact, corn. He was about to show me his collection of bottle openers that had been blessed by the pope, when Mrs. Del appeared to tell us that dinner was on the table and that we had better wash up and eat up if we knew what was good for us.

Well, we all sat down to a dinner of beer butt chicken, barbecue, sloppy joes, fried cheese, and piles upon piles of corn. I just couldn't wait to dig in! But not before we all joined hands and thanked God, the Virgin Mary, and Ronald Wilson Reagan for all of this swell food and for this blessed opportunity for friends and family to come together and enjoy themselves like good, honest, regular folk. And even then, before we actually started eating, we all stood up and hugged each other one more time because we were just so golly gosh glad to be together. :D

I think my favorite part of the whole meal was dessert (naturally :wink: ). Straight Cool Whip right outa' the tub. My favorite!

When dinner was over and we were all pretty well stuffed and Mrs. Del went to do the dishes, Del took me back to his "man cave" along with pipeson, cigarson, snuffson, chewingtobaccoson, vapeson, nicotinepatchson, nicotinegumson, and a host of other men who were there whom I took to be either Del's direct offspring or close relations. Good thing Del's "man cave" is so big!

Once we were all stretched out on the various sofas, recliners, and beanbag chairs that adorn Del's "man cave", Del passed out the cigars. Heck, it was a celebration, after all, and what better way is there for hard working regular guys like us to celebrate than with real Cuban stogies. Del assured me, however, that these particular Cuban cigars had not been purchased in Cuba, which is, after all, a Communist hell hole that that damned socialist Obama had no damn business normalizing trade relations with. Rather, one of his many sons had gone to Cuba and beat up the first Cuban he saw with a box of cigars and brought them back to Wisconsin. :dancingpie:

Our cigars lit and another round of diet 7 Up with flavored vodka being passed around, we took to discussing the topic that was most on our minds: namely, how this once great country of ours was going down the tubes thanks to the likes of Obama and Hillary and how it was up to regular guys like us to save it before it was too late. We all agreed that it was our duty as Americans and as Christians to make the world safe for apple pies and football and banana seat bicycles and people's mothers before those gosh darn socialists and elitists and atheists took all those things away from us for good. And, as regular guys, we all agreed that the best way to protect the America we all love so darn much from the ravages tastefully dressed people with upper class accents was to talk and b**** and moan excessively and, brother, that's just what we did. We smoked our cigars and we yammered on and on and on about socio-political topics that were of interest only to ourselves and to a small minority of disenfranchised, working-class, right wing fringe groups. We didn't talk about pipes or pipe tobacco or anything else. We just kept returning the conversation either to our unbridled hatred of the current administration or to our own particular brand of dull, oppressive, Midwestern, narrow-minded Catholicism. Take that, Obama! :dance:

Well, time really does fly when you're having fun and it seemed like no time before I realized I was up way past my bedtime it it was time for me to be hittin' the old, dusty trail. Del's extended family and I shared one last big group hug there the vestibule and I left with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I was just glowing with patriotic pride and good fellowship and I realized for perhaps the first time that the RCIA was the next best step I should take in life.

I miss you and the fam already, there, Delster. Let's get together again real soon. You know that you're always welcome at my place. I'll provide the diet 7 Up and flavored vodka next time. :mrgreen:

Oh, and, p. s. ...

THANKS FOR THE KILT!!!!!
"Utter frogshit from start to finish." - Onyx

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." - Eph 4

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