Greatest Rants of CPS

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hugodrax
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by hugodrax » Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:23 pm

Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
coco wrote:
Joshoowah wrote: I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Skip » Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:29 pm

hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
coco wrote:
Joshoowah wrote: I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by hugodrax » Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:55 pm

Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
coco wrote:
Joshoowah wrote: I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
Well, then let's compare cheese, shall we?

On the one hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_French_cheeses . Magnificent. Stupendous. Life changing.

On the other hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisconsin_cheese . A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Skip » Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:10 pm

hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
coco wrote:
Joshoowah wrote: I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
Well, then let's compare cheese, shall we?

On the one hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_French_cheeses . Magnificent. Stupendous. Life changing.

On the other hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisconsin_cheese . A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
I can agree on one level, but on the other level it's an hour drive to get all the pedestrian cheese I can handle. And some pretty damned good craft beers.
2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 Winner of the CPS Award: "Most Likely to be Found Without Pants at Any Given Moment"

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by hugodrax » Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:28 pm

Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
coco wrote:
Joshoowah wrote: I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
Well, then let's compare cheese, shall we?

On the one hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_French_cheeses . Magnificent. Stupendous. Life changing.

On the other hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisconsin_cheese . A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
I can agree on one level, but on the other level it's an hour drive to get all the pedestrian cheese I can handle. And some pretty damned good craft beers.
They make beer? This I did not know. The best French beer is Kronenburg, and it isn't great.

Belgian beer is unspeakably good, but there is a reason "Belgium" is the single most offensive word in the Universe.

Alright, you can keep Wisconsin, but you are responsible for Del.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Gabriel » Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:32 pm

hugodrax wrote:A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.
I chuckled.
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Skip » Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:56 pm

hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
coco wrote:[quote="Joshoowah"] I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
Well, then let's compare cheese, shall we?

On the one hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_French_cheeses . Magnificent. Stupendous. Life changing.

On the other hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisconsin_cheese . A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
I can agree on one level, but on the other level it's an hour drive to get all the pedestrian cheese I can handle. And some pretty damned good craft beers.
They make beer? This I did not know. The best French beer is Kronenburg, and it isn't great.

Belgian beer is unspeakably good, but there is a reason "Belgium" is the single most offensive word in the Universe.

Alright, you can keep Wisconsin, but you are responsible for Del.[/quote]
Good lord, all they have is pedestrian cheese and the Packers (and Del)! Of course somebody had to step in with good beer!
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by hugodrax » Tue Dec 13, 2016 4:00 pm

Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:
John-Boy wrote:[quote="coco"][quote="Joshoowah"] I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
Well, then let's compare cheese, shall we?

On the one hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_French_cheeses . Magnificent. Stupendous. Life changing.

On the other hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisconsin_cheese . A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
I can agree on one level, but on the other level it's an hour drive to get all the pedestrian cheese I can handle. And some pretty damned good craft beers.
They make beer? This I did not know. The best French beer is Kronenburg, and it isn't great.

Belgian beer is unspeakably good, but there is a reason "Belgium" is the single most offensive word in the Universe.

Alright, you can keep Wisconsin, but you are responsible for Del.[/quote]
Good lord, all they have is pedestrian cheese and the Packers (and Del)! Of course somebody had to step in with good beer![/quote]

I would think, but we are talking of a people that mistake grapes for grain. Which is especially odd, considering they don't have grapes.
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by philofumo » Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:00 pm

One of my favorites...
Hugo Drax passionately decried:

What in the zarking fardwarks has happened to my beloved Erinmore Flake? This was one of my favorite tobaccos when produced by Murrays. Back in the no kids days, I put down a lot of tobacco. Astleys 44 and 88, Wessex curlies, etc. I only put down 15 or so Erinmore Flakes because they were so ubiquitous. Literally to be purchased anywhere. Well, I'm out. And this was one of my absolute favorites.

So I purchased and popped a new tin. Noticed the changed tin shape. Cut and color are different. Smells the same, perhaps a little less so. Folded and stuffed, applied petrol-based light. Many, many effs. While the topping is almost the same, where the hell is the strength? The constituent tobaccos are light years off--this is orlik, Virginia no. 1 flake, Villager scented air. Must the bloody Danes emasculate all tobaccos into one base flake with different toppings? Why am I the only angry one? Today's market has the absence of choice, just pretty tins containing the same contents.

Rusty is a prophet in the wilderness, girding his loins, wearing sackcloth with ashes in his hair, eating locusts and honey (maybe not, but he should be). If you like it, cellar it in quantity because it WILL change. Some, like Royal Yacht, for the better. Some almost unrecognizable for the worse.

viewtopic.php?t=38308
I'm angry too sir,
I'm angry too.

Damn'd Danes,
they can't take anything seriously.

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by durangopipe » Wed Dec 28, 2016 8:52 pm

I would like to add this recent rant to the list of greats in need of preservation for future generations:
Skip wrote:My disdain of the term " 'baccy" comes from growing up in the bituminous fields of Appalachia, where filthy, cuspid-challenged, Hooked-On-Phonics drops-outs considered spitting both a sport and a hobby and covered the sidewalks with their mastication juices of chew, chaw, snuff, Copenhagen, rub, Beechnut, Mail Pouch, Red Man, and all other sorts and brands of 'baccy. "Grab me thum more 'baccy!" they'd loudly lisp at their bow-legged, saggy-breasted wives out the open windows of their pickups as they congregated on payday outside the Garden Fresh Market. The term " 'baccy" has come to represent all the stupidity of those pig-ignorant, dirt-licking, evolution-defying trousered apes and their filthy spawn with whom I was forced to associate both at church and school.
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by hugodrax » Wed Dec 28, 2016 8:56 pm

durangopipe wrote:I would like to add this recent rant to the list of greats in need of preservation for future generations:
Skip wrote:My disdain of the term " 'baccy" comes from growing up in the bituminous fields of Appalachia, where filthy, cuspid-challenged, Hooked-On-Phonics drops-outs considered spitting both a sport and a hobby and covered the sidewalks with their mastication juices of chew, chaw, snuff, Copenhagen, rub, Beechnut, Mail Pouch, Red Man, and all other sorts and brands of 'baccy. "Grab me thum more 'baccy!" they'd loudly lisp at their bow-legged, saggy-breasted wives out the open windows of their pickups as they congregated on payday outside the Garden Fresh Market. The term " 'baccy" has come to represent all the stupidity of those pig-ignorant, dirt-licking, evolution-defying trousered apes and their filthy spawn with whom I was forced to associate both at church and school.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Dude really hates his people.
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by wsblevins » Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:41 am

I happen to whole heartedly agree with his rant.


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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by hugodrax » Thu Dec 29, 2016 8:09 am

wsblevins wrote:I happen to whole heartedly agree with his rant.


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Excellent.
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Del » Thu Dec 29, 2016 8:57 am

hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:
Del wrote:[quote="John-Boy"][quote="coco"][quote="Joshoowah"] I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
Well, then let's compare cheese, shall we?

On the one hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_French_cheeses . Magnificent. Stupendous. Life changing.

On the other hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisconsin_cheese . A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
I can agree on one level, but on the other level it's an hour drive to get all the pedestrian cheese I can handle. And some pretty damned good craft beers.
They make beer? This I did not know. The best French beer is Kronenburg, and it isn't great.

Belgian beer is unspeakably good, but there is a reason "Belgium" is the single most offensive word in the Universe.

Alright, you can keep Wisconsin, but you are responsible for Del.[/quote]
Good lord, all they have is pedestrian cheese and the Packers (and Del)! Of course somebody had to step in with good beer![/quote]

I would think, but we are talking of a people that mistake grapes for grain. Which is especially odd, considering they don't have grapes.[/quote]

I was invited to a Christmas party last night, at the home of friends who own and operate a vineyard. They grow wine grapes for a local winery, so there was plenty of that too. German-style wines, as our climate is a bit north for the French/Californian varieties.

I'm sure you wouldn't like it.
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by hugodrax » Thu Dec 29, 2016 9:19 am

Del wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
hugodrax wrote:
Skip wrote:
A_Morley wrote:[quote="Del"][quote="John-Boy"][quote="coco"][quote="Joshoowah"] I don't even like the wafers...
Communion wafers can hardly be considered food, much less a nourishing dietary staple that a man might consider to be vital for life. They are saltless, tasteless, plastic-bagged, preservative-laden, shameful chips of chemically hardened foam, the product of the dystopian end of the Industrial Revolution by a society enamored with mass-produced, cheap goods rather than the beauty and holiness of the sacrament.
My friend in high school had the job of sacristan (setting up the chapel for Mass). This meant that he had access to the unconsecrated altar wine.

And when he got the munchies, he would sometimes snack on the unconsecrated hosts... which were devastatingly bland, of course. However, they weren't bad if you held the host in the charcoal tongs (for the incense burner) and toasted them with an altar candle.

He named this treat Host Toasties.
This is why Midwestern cradle catholics are God's cruelest mistake.
...excepting, possibly, the French.
Seems to me that one of the worst things we inherited from our former colonial overlords was this hatred for all things French. They've given us innumerable contributions to art and literature, cuisine and wine, amongst other things too delicate and beautiful to mention. The language of diplomacy. And yet we look up to baked beans on toast, soggy tweed, and cockney accents.

Ask yourself by comparison, are cheese, bratwurst, and the Packers a trade for this? Especially if we must also include Del?

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
If only you hadn't mentioned cheese...
Well, then let's compare cheese, shall we?

On the one hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_French_cheeses . Magnificent. Stupendous. Life changing.

On the other hand: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisconsin_cheese . A list of pedestrian cheese, suitable for placing on triscuits with summer sausage before watching life pass you by.

I say we take the French and reject Wisconsin.
I can agree on one level, but on the other level it's an hour drive to get all the pedestrian cheese I can handle. And some pretty damned good craft beers.
They make beer? This I did not know. The best French beer is Kronenburg, and it isn't great.

Belgian beer is unspeakably good, but there is a reason "Belgium" is the single most offensive word in the Universe.

Alright, you can keep Wisconsin, but you are responsible for Del.[/quote]
Good lord, all they have is pedestrian cheese and the Packers (and Del)! Of course somebody had to step in with good beer![/quote]

I would think, but we are talking of a people that mistake grapes for grain. Which is especially odd, considering they don't have grapes.[/quote]

I was invited to a Christmas party last night, at the home of friends who own and operate a vineyard. They grow wine grapes for a local winery, so there was plenty of that too. German-style wines, as our climate is a bit north for the French/Californian varieties.

I'm sure you wouldn't like it.[/quote]

The real question to be answered in evaluating any Door County Hock/Mosel, as I'm sure you know, is how well it complements Munster on Triscuits. If the answer is "well," and the company congenial, and you were wearing trousers, then I might have enjoyed myself.

Sadly, the world may never know.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Roadmaster » Thu Dec 29, 2016 9:57 am

hugodrax wrote:
durangopipe wrote:I would like to add this recent rant to the list of greats in need of preservation for future generations:
Skip wrote:My disdain of the term " 'baccy" comes from growing up in the bituminous fields of Appalachia, where filthy, cuspid-challenged, Hooked-On-Phonics drops-outs considered spitting both a sport and a hobby and covered the sidewalks with their mastication juices of chew, chaw, snuff, Copenhagen, rub, Beechnut, Mail Pouch, Red Man, and all other sorts and brands of 'baccy. "Grab me thum more 'baccy!" they'd loudly lisp at their bow-legged, saggy-breasted wives out the open windows of their pickups as they congregated on payday outside the Garden Fresh Market. The term " 'baccy" has come to represent all the stupidity of those pig-ignorant, dirt-licking, evolution-defying trousered apes and their filthy spawn with whom I was forced to associate both at church and school.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Dude really hates his people.
Somehow I suspect A_Morley will approve of this post.

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by coco » Fri Dec 30, 2016 7:17 am

hugodrax wrote:You know a word I hate? "Artisan." You want to know people I hate? Those people that call themselves "artisans." The usage of the word makes me want to punch the jumped-up tradesman right in the schnozzola. There's nothing the matter with being a butcher, a baker, a coffee roaster, a maker of jams and jellies, or even a hand - forger of axes in the traditional manner, as long, that is, as one calls himself a butcher, a baker, a coffee roaster, a maker of jams and jellies, or a blacksmith. Hell, one can and even should call himself the best butcher, baker, coffee roaster, maker of jams and jellies, or blacksmith IF THERE IS ANY DEMONSTRABLE EVIDENCE THAT THIS IS, IN FACT, SO. There's nothing the matter with catering to a more wealthy or knowledgable client base, either. The problem comes with the use of the words "artisan" and "artisinal." Stupid little buzzwords with no actual meaning, just the implication that the goods are somehow higher quality because that individual made them, not because of any special process or manufacturing method, just because that hopped-up dildo made them. It's millenial behavior writ large: mine is the best solely because I made it, and we all know I'm a special person.

"That'll be 35 dollars for that jar of jam, lady. We both know I'm worth it."

Gar. Effin' artisans.
"Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a cob with a forever lucite stem." (Pipverbs 1:1)
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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Cleon » Wed Oct 04, 2017 8:07 am

Taken from the thread "A Pipesmoker's Hell". Click HERE for context.

That's two in a row, hugo. Atta boy.
hugodrax wrote:
Sun Oct 01, 2017 8:35 am
JudgeRusty wrote:
Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:06 am
Goose55 wrote:
Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:51 pm
Rusty wrote:
Sat Sep 30, 2017 5:01 pm
Goose55 wrote:
Sat Sep 30, 2017 2:44 pm
hugodrax wrote:
Sat Sep 30, 2017 11:35 am
coco wrote:
Sat Sep 30, 2017 11:22 am
...
You mailed that in.

Is there a pipe hell? If so, I say it's being incredibly loved and treasured by your owner after a lifetime of abuse, restored from the brink of destruction to look and feel good as new. Imagine the feeling. Filled with Tudor Castle. Gently and lovingly smoked without rush. Giving your owner complete satisfaction in return.

Then it's over and half of it gets soaked in dawn, its nether regions vigorously shank-brushed, and its neatly bisected corpse left to dry in the hot, hot sun. Only to do it again the next day in a Groundhog Day living nightmare seemingly without end. Love and punishment. Longing to have its stem fully inserted, but an eternity of just the tip.

Or maybe they like it. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't anthropomorphize our pipes. :lol:
...
...
...
...
Also, how much coffee does this guy drink? Who even has cupboard space for a three pound can of coffee? Let alone six pounds, because Costco sells them in two packs?

I can tell you where Pipe Smoker's Hell is. Without shadow of a doubt, it's Ajo, Arizona.

Think about it. After a series of inexplicably bad decisions, an offended God leads you to end up with a broken down car in Ajo, Arizona. You get a tow to J B Auto Repair over at 1440 N 2nd Ave. I encourage you to look at Google Street View at this point. You effed up if you are here.

You can't help noticing the for sale sign over on the Bamboo Village. God forsaken town doesn't have a Chinese restaurant. It has been your experience that the Chinese are the coal miner's canary of small town economic indicators. Town doesn't have any Chinese restaurants, you're looking at a dead town.

Filled with an uneasy dread, but stuck for at least four hours while J or B fixes your car, you cast about for someplace to get a bite to eat. Asking about restaurants, you get sent to Marcela's Cafe and Bakery down on West Dorset Street.

This is the typical diner/greasy spoon common to all small towns in America. Plain food. Bad coffee. A waitress that calls you honey and offers you a slice of pie. Every town you've ever been to had one. Except Lubbock, Tx. This is the only town you might dislike more than Lubbock, Tx, at first sight.

You order the meatloaf because you're in an existential malaise, a feeling of hopelessness washing over your body. Wandering out for a smoke, you fill your pipe with the last shreds of Borkum Riff you bought at that gas station where your car refused to start because, well, to hell with it, your day couldn't get any worse.

That's what you thought. Right as you strike a match, you notice an excited man walking up to you out of the corner of your eye. To be fair, you'd notice this guy anywhere. He's wearing a Smoking Pipes T-Shirt tucked into his dungarees. Rainbow suspenders and a tooled leather belt with a bronze buckle advertising Dad's Root Beer. An Amish straw hat with ribbons is atop his head. On his feet, sensible brown shoes with crepe soles. You'd notice this guy anywhere. He's smoking the most enormous pipe, a bent brandy Ascorti. Well, at least he has some taste, you think.

He strikes up a conversation. Nice guy, you think. Maybe a bit odd, but we're all bozos on this bus. You play along as he tells you about himself, obviously glad at the company. You notice he never makes eye contact, though.

You have lunch together, both glad of a little congenial company. He orders a roast beef sandwich. When it comes, you learn the bulge in his right trouser pocket is not actually, as you had thought, a tobacco pouch but rather a small, Tupperware container with two compartments, one filled with pickled beets, one with Bleu cheese. He carries on the conversation cheerfully, not noticing your slight discomfiture as he carefully arranges the beets and Bleu cheese into a smiley face pattern on his sandwich.

"I see you found Walt," says Betty, your waitress. "He loves his roast beef, pickled beet, and Bleu cheese sanwiches. More coffee, hun?"

When lunch ends, Walt tells you to come over and blow the time by looking at his pipe collection. He offers you some Tudor Castle. Since you're out of tobacco, sans transportation and utterly forlorn, you accept gladly.

You drive to a pleasant little development, if such a thing could truly be said, betokening better times. You hear the happy sounds of playing children next door and are startled by Walt's response. "Kids. Always kids. Laughing and making noise. I often think the world would be better if people just decided to stop breeding and force the Second Coming, don't you." Startled and discomfited, you ask to go back to J B Auto Repair, but Walt won't hear of it. Just now you notice the scorched earth and scattered, burnt trees on his neighbors property. Better not ask, you think.

He shows you his trumpet vine and new air conditioning unit and invites you into his "Arizona Room," really just a screened off enclosure. You can't help noticing the three pound can of Costco coffee, filled with the dottles of god-knows-how-many-pipes. Walt brings out pipes. You can't help but notice every dammed one of them looks the same--large, bent brandy-shaped pipes you could stick your thumb into, with brown, over buffed sandblast finishes. Whoo boy, you think. Just then you notice a cat looking pleadingly at you, attached to the water tank by a dog harness. Overwhelming dread washes over you. You realize god doesn't hate Fainn. He has it in for you.

Everywhere you look, signs of oddity. Stems soaking. Sun bleached stummels like so many dead soldiers scattered in the sun. That damned coffee can.

You pull out your cellphone. It's dying. You're about to be utterly trapped. Knowing what you know about the Arizona police, you know you'll never be found if something goes wrong.

Suddenly the phone rings. 'Sir, this is B over at J B Auto Repair down on N. 2nd Ave," he says. You can't help being a little surprised. His name is actually B. He pronounced it "N. Two-end."

"We found the problem. Turns out your gladiculator went. We ordered a replacement, but it'll take two weeks to get here. This town is a geographic anomaly."

Screw it, you think. I'll make a phone call. Relaxing a little under the influence of the Tudor Castle, you explain the situation to Walt, who cheerfully tells you to come in and use the phone.

"It's a little early, but I'll pour some Kirkland Brand Blended Scotch for both of us. Phone's over by my new Costco work station. I set it up in a u pattern, which wasn't shown in the advertising photos, but I prefer it that way."

He ushers you into a pleasant room with a nice, modern work station. Big computer in the middle. Comfortable chair, you think sitting down. Just then you notice the lamp. The lamp shade is missing its fabric. Just the two wire rings. Huh, you think. Why the?

It's the last thing you ever see as the world fades to black.

-----------------------------

Sorry, Walt. I know you like it. But Ajo looks like Hell to me. I need my Beef Sichuan Home Style with Chili and Salt pickle.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by infidel » Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:44 pm

A_Morley wrote:
Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:14 pm
... herp derpers ...
... quoth the Raven.
Inadvertently emboldening the cause of naïve Evolutionism since 2016.

"Who the hell ponders placentas? Dude, you're a freak of nature." - DepartedLight

"One man's saint is another man's infidel." - hugodrax

"Total. Freaking. Win." - Skip

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Re: Greatest Rants of CPS

Post by Roadmaster » Mon Oct 16, 2017 4:01 pm

infidel wrote:
Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:44 pm
A_Morley wrote:
Tue Dec 13, 2016 2:14 pm
... herp derpers ...
... quoth the Raven.
:confused:

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