How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:03 am

to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Mon Jan 16, 2017 1:07 am

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got fired from her job? She couldn't control her pupils.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Mon Jan 23, 2017 2:04 pm

Did you hear about the guy back in the day who tried to flee the Soviet U***n to Finland? It ended up with him and the border guards in a race to the Finnish line.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Wed Jan 25, 2017 2:53 pm

An elderly man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied:
"The balcony......."
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by mont974x4 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 2:58 pm

I heard someone refer to Trump as Cheetoh in Chief.


I voted for Trump and still found that funny.
It sounded better when the voices in my head were saying it.

Ire attracter-at-large and general misanthrope.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by infidel » Wed Jan 25, 2017 3:26 pm

Hovannes wrote:
Wed Jan 25, 2017 2:53 pm
An elderly man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied:
"The balcony......."
http://www.12news.com/news/local/valley ... /356292349
infi-

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:49 pm

I apologize in advance - I came across a list of jokes in my FB feed (I am filtering a few out that didn't make the cut or that are old ones):

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it's also terrible.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.

What is E.T. short for?
He has really small legs.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One turns to the other and asks, "Do you smell something fishy?"

Two termites walk into a pub and ask, "Is the bar tender here?"

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

It's difficult to say what my wife does.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells."

What do you call a dog that can perform magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

A bear walks into a restaurant and says, "I'd like a grilled...........cheese sandwich."
The waiter asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear replies, "What do you mean? I'm a bear!"

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

Conjunctivitis.com
Now that's a site for sore eyes.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password?
1Forrest1

I cut my finger chopping cheese,
but I think that I may have grater problems.

Slept like a log last night.
Woke up in the fireplace.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de brie.

What sits on the lawn and is Irish?
Patty O'Furniture.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

Customer: "I'd like the soup please."
Waiter: "Would you like a cup or a bowl?"
Customer: "That's probably a good idea. Otherwise it'll just go all over the table."

I read in the paper that police arrested a barber who was selling drugs.
I was shocked. I've been his customer for three years and never knew he was a barber.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Wed Jan 25, 2017 5:31 pm

I saw a beaver movie last night. It was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
Image

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Wed Jan 25, 2017 6:15 pm

Knock Knock
"And for Freds sake, DO NOT point anyone towards CPS or you'll put them off of both Christianity and pipe smoking forever." ~ FredS

I've crossed the Bosphorus.

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mont974x4
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by mont974x4 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 6:47 pm

Jocose wrote:Knock Knock
Who dat?
It sounded better when the voices in my head were saying it.

Ire attracter-at-large and general misanthrope.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Thu Jan 26, 2017 3:59 pm

Sir Moose wrote:
Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:49 pm
I apologize in advance - I came across a list of jokes in my FB feed (I am filtering a few out that didn't make the cut or that are old ones):

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it's also terrible.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.

What is E.T. short for?
He has really small legs.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One turns to the other and asks, "Do you smell something fishy?"

Two termites walk into a pub and ask, "Is the bar tender here?"

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

It's difficult to say what my wife does.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells."

What do you call a dog that can perform magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

A bear walks into a restaurant and says, "I'd like a grilled...........cheese sandwich."
The waiter asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear replies, "What do you mean? I'm a bear!"

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

Conjunctivitis.com
Now that's a site for sore eyes.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password?
1Forrest1

I cut my finger chopping cheese,
but I think that I may have grater problems.

Slept like a log last night.
Woke up in the fireplace.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de brie.

What sits on the lawn and is Irish?
Patty O'Furniture.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

Customer: "I'd like the soup please."
Waiter: "Would you like a cup or a bowl?"
Customer: "That's probably a good idea. Otherwise it'll just go all over the table."

I read in the paper that police arrested a barber who was selling drugs.
I was shocked. I've been his customer for three years and never knew he was a barber.
Image
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Thu May 04, 2017 2:36 pm

Sir Moose wrote:
Thu Mar 17, 2016 12:29 pm
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently more than three, because my basement's still dark.
Apparently more than seven....
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Thu May 04, 2017 3:25 pm

Image
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Skip » Thu May 04, 2017 3:49 pm

Still waiting...
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by hugodrax » Thu May 04, 2017 4:39 pm

How many policeman does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just take turns beating the room because it's black.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JudgeRusty » Thu May 04, 2017 8:02 pm

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they will never see the light anyway.
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Thu May 04, 2017 8:16 pm

Hear about the time hugo locked his keys in the car along with his family? It took him nearly 30 minutes to get them out.
"And for Freds sake, DO NOT point anyone towards CPS or you'll put them off of both Christianity and pipe smoking forever." ~ FredS

I've crossed the Bosphorus.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Fri May 26, 2017 11:08 am

Found on the internet:

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, who will be henceforth be addressed as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, henceforth addressed as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2.Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact actually becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
NB: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so with the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:28 am

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house. They watch as two people go into the house, and then a little later, three people walk out.

The physicist says, "The initial measurement was incorrect."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

And the mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters that house, it will be empty."
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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