How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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Hovannes
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How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 6:29 pm

THE BROTHEL
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

And

The Logic of the Great Whites


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"

And

THE POLITE WAY TO PEE





During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date
having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee.." The teacher responded by saying,
"That would be rude and impolite."

What about you Sherman, "How would you say it?' Sherman said,
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show
us your good manners?" "I would say, Darling, May I please
be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted

And

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps
it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha
going to do about it?”

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't
stand to see a man crying. What's your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete
failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to
the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in
bed with the postman and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar
to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a
capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up
and drink the whole thing!"

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

And

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find
enough staff locally. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR
manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits
and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat,
but please don't eat any of our other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does something."

And

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor,I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

And

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

" Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,

" No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed in a
helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

..................
....................
........................
...........................


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

And

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more..

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Azusa and
Anaheim stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year
and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds..

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and lawyer, stands and says, 'If
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a Trust fund to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to
say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:...........

'Well, I just asked my husband how WE could help, and he said,

'F#ck him'.

And

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

And

A flame haired beauty enters the Doctors Surgery.
Doctor, she says. I'm not well, wherever I touch myself it hurts.
Puzzled the Doctor says, I don't think I can make a diagnosis without you demonstrating the problem.
The girl touches her own leg, the pain is obviously intense as she recoils and screams slightly.
Is that the only place? The Doctor asks.
'No' she says, as she touches her arm with her finger again she cries out in pain.
Anywhere else? The Doctor asks.
She puts her finger to her forehead. The pain now brings the poor girl to tears.
Sobbing she says, it's the same wherever I touch myself.
The Docter says to her, you're not a natural Red Head are you?
The girl replies, No I'm a blonde, how did you know.
The Doctor replies, because it's your finger thats broken.

And

Working people frequently ask retired people what

they do to make their days interesting.



Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I

went into town and visited a shop. We were only in

there for about 5 minutes. When we came out,

there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started

writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a s*** head. He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.





Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

And



All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go..'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The assh*le is usually the one in charge!

And

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
Last edited by Hovannes on Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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It's gotten old now
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Post by mont974x4 » Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:25 pm

Obama
It sounded better when the voices in my head were saying it.

Ire attracter-at-large and general misanthrope.

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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:27 pm

mont974x4 wrote:Obama
Comedy. Tragedy. Good point!
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:29 pm

A Scotsman’s Chilli

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow .
He sits at the counter and notices auld Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After a few minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
Auld Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae aheid."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
Auld Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too

And

There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down."

"Now what do you want to talk about"?

He said, "Hell if I know I've never got this far before"

And

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.




I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:50 pm

More...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh******g me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:52 pm

More...
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after
her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling
and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when
dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise
of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to
withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 8:59 pm

Here's another

A man awakened in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. Soon, the doctor came in and said, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groaned in response, but the doctor continued, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perked up. "So," the doctor said, "You must decide how many inches you wan, but I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agreed to talk it over with his wife. The doctor came back the next day, asking, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," the man replied.

"And has she helped you make a decision?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," the man replied, "We're getting granite work tops in the kitchen."
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:02 pm

I might as well up my post count



Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about
200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I Am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
"Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my Wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence Passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:05 pm

One more--

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed..

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'[crude_word_beginning_with_'F'_01]..'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:28 pm

Microsoft Windows

Ann had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and bless him he died when I got my clothes off ready to consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a soldier and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:34 pm

here we go again---

One day old man Sid and his wife Martha went to a country Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $30 per person. Sid looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Sid, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $30 is $30." So Sid goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Sid wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Sid and Martha are both about 70 years old, Sid looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Sid kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $30 each." Well, Martha and Sid look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Sid and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Sid looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $30 is $30!"
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:36 pm

(sigh)


The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner", on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:55 pm

:lol:
Three mischievous old
Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home


When an old Grandpa
walked by.


And one of the old
Grandmas yelled out saying,

"We bet we can tell
exactly how old you are."


The old man said,

"There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools."

One of the
old Grandmas said,

"Sure we
can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your exact
age.."

Embarrassed just a little, but
anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped
his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to
first turn around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they all
piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his
pants down around his ankles, the old gent
asked,

"How in the world
did you guess?"

Slapping their
knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three
old ladies happily yelled in
unison...


"We were at your birthday
party yesterday!"
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:59 pm

:lol:
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line and when it was his turn,

The Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other
hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in
with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and
asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"

Tyrone answered,"I don't know yet. It ain't 'til next week."
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 10:03 pm

<redacted_emoji>

Choosing A Wife..................

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 10:07 pm

:lol:
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF
HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE SCHOOL TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1980. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY!


THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

*******

ASKED...
"WHAT COURSES DID YOU TEACH?"
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 05, 2014 10:21 pm

Your turn! :D
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:02 am

:facepalm:
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too."

"I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover."

"I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot."

"He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes."

"On seeing he was still alive I found super-human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him."

"At this point, the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot."

"I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

I don't know,"replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest..."
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:09 am

:P
The Polite Way to Call Someone a *******


A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:19 am

:facepalm:

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .

Saw a man outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I was at college yesterday and we were learning about Pavlov's Dogs, I thought they were stupid dogs
Thankfully the class bell rang and we went to get our lunch
to know the future is to be held prisoner by it
Where is Charles Martel when you need him?

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