How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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Jocose
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Sun May 22, 2016 7:12 pm

John-Boy wrote:
Jocose wrote:
mont974x4 wrote:
Jocose wrote:
mont974x4 wrote:
Jocose wrote:Knock Knock
I gave at the office.
Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.
Who be there?
Who
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.
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Re: RE: Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by John-Boy » Sun May 22, 2016 7:46 pm

Jocose wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
Jocose wrote:
mont974x4 wrote:
Jocose wrote:
mont974x4 wrote:
Jocose wrote:Knock Knock
I gave at the office.
Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.
Who be there?
Who
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.
You don't bury the survivors!
Praying - coco
Sometimes memes can be helpful as well as humorous - Jocose
Yer mom is kindhearted and well respected in her community - JMG

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Re: RE: Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JudgeRusty » Sun May 22, 2016 7:54 pm

John-Boy wrote:
Jocose wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
Jocose wrote:
mont974x4 wrote:
Jocose wrote:
mont974x4 wrote:
Jocose wrote:Knock Knock
I gave at the office.
Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.
Who be there?
Who
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.
You don't bury the survivors!
To get to the other side.
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JudgeRusty » Tue Jun 07, 2016 9:44 am

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender strikes up a conversation by asking if he is new around town.
The guy responds: “Yep, job transferred me here. It couldn’t have happened soon enough. Last town was a piece of work. Neighbors were unfriendly and unhelpful. Co-workers were sneaky as well as incompetent. We attended a church sometime there, but it was full of fakers; I didn’t feel like I could trust any of them for much and the Preacher just seemed to be on his high horse all the time. Local politics was just a good ole boy network that didn’t take any action on anything that mattered.”
Bartender pours a refill and says: “I guess you are glad to move.”
Guy says: “Yeah, what can you tell me about this place?”
Bartender replies: “I suspect you will find it similar to your last town.”

Another guy walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender strikes up a conversation by asking if he is new around town.
The guy responds: “Yep, job transferred me here. I really was floored. We had put down roots in our last town and it was great for us. We had friendly neighbors and we were always helping each other out. I can’t imagine doing my job here without help I got from my former co-workers. We will have to find a new church; our church was like a second home with the fellowship we had there with the other parishioners and leadership. I also had to cut ties with the civic projects I was involved with back home.”
Bartender pours a refill and says: “I can see why you are down about the move.”
Guy says: “Yeah, what can you tell me about this place?”
Bartender replies: “I suspect you will find it similar to your last town.”
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

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Cleon
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Cleon » Tue Jun 07, 2016 9:54 am

Yesterday my son saw a sign that read "DO NOT BLOCK DRIVE". He turns to his mom and asks, "What's bock driving?"
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by hugodrax » Tue Jun 07, 2016 10:10 am

JudgeRusty wrote:A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender strikes up a conversation by asking if he is new around town.
The guy responds: “Yep, job transferred me here. It couldn’t have happened soon enough. Last town was a piece of work. Neighbors were unfriendly and unhelpful. Co-workers were sneaky as well as incompetent. We attended a church sometime there, but it was full of fakers; I didn’t feel like I could trust any of them for much and the Preacher just seemed to be on his high horse all the time. Local politics was just a good ole boy network that didn’t take any action on anything that mattered.”
Bartender pours a refill and says: “I guess you are glad to move.”
Guy says: “Yeah, what can you tell me about this place?”
Bartender replies: “I suspect you will find it similar to your last town.”

Another guy walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender strikes up a conversation by asking if he is new around town.
The guy responds: “Yep, job transferred me here. I really was floored. We had put down roots in our last town and it was great for us. We had friendly neighbors and we were always helping each other out. I can’t imagine doing my job here without help I got from my former co-workers. We will have to find a new church; our church was like a second home with the fellowship we had there with the other parishioners and leadership. I also had to cut ties with the civic projects I was involved with back home.”
Bartender pours a refill and says: “I can see why you are down about the move.”
Guy says: “Yeah, what can you tell me about this place?”
Bartender replies: “I suspect you will find it similar to your last town.”
Moralistic joke juke! Well played, sirrah.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Aug 05, 2016 10:00 am

Image

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Cleon
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Cleon » Fri Aug 05, 2016 11:20 am

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yer mom.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Cleon » Fri Aug 05, 2016 11:24 am

What do you call a line of 10 bunnies that all jump backwards at the same time?

A receding hare line.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Cleon » Fri Aug 05, 2016 11:26 am

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a dirty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Fainn
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Fainn » Fri Aug 12, 2016 9:40 pm

If you mix beer with whiskey, do you get hops scotch?
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Fainn » Sat Oct 01, 2016 12:31 am

If you throw your pipes into a bag is the result bag pipes?
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Dlibbon » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:01 pm

Smoking pipes has a good blog post up about surviving the office Christmas Party ...

"Luckily as a pipe smoker you have a ready-made defense against such creatures. Load up your pipe with that obnoxious English blend I mentioned and duck out for a quick bowl. Pay particular attention to where you're exhaling here; counter to usual practice you'll want to get as much of that on your clothes as possible. I call this defense the "Wall of Latakia".

https://www.smokingpipes.com/smokingpip ... _medium=SM




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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by durangopipe » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:18 pm

A rabbi walked by his neighbor, an Episcopalian, in his driveway and noticed he had a new car. Then he saw the neighbor dipping his fingers into a bowl and sprinkling some water on the hood. He asked him what he was doing, and the neighbor replied, "I guess it's kinda silly, but I always baptize a new car and say a little prayer."

One week later the Episcopal neighbor noticed his rabbi neighbor kneeling in his driveway behind a new car. He walked over and asked the rabbi what he was doing. The rabbi answered that he had thought about what his neighbor had said and it kinda made sense. After which, he took a pipe cutter out of his pocket and cut an inch off the tailpipe.
The most improper job of any man, even saints, is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JudgeRusty » Tue Dec 06, 2016 6:23 pm

Cleon wrote:What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yer mom.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left her.
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

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Cleon
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Cleon » Wed Dec 07, 2016 8:09 am

JudgeRusty wrote:
Cleon wrote:What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yer mom.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left her.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.

What do you call a cow with no feet?
Normal. Cows have hooves, not feet.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Wed Dec 07, 2016 10:44 am

Cleon wrote:
JudgeRusty wrote:
Cleon wrote:What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yer mom.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left her.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.

What do you call a cow with no feet?
Normal. Cows have hooves, not feet.
What did the astronauts conclude when they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't clear it.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by mont974x4 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 2:19 pm

What do you call a cow that just have birth?

Decalfinated.
It sounded better when the voices in my head were saying it.

Ire attracter-at-large and general misanthrope.

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Cleon
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Cleon » Wed Jan 04, 2017 7:50 am

Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM!
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Wed Jan 04, 2017 8:40 am

Cleon wrote:Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM!
:lol:

It took me a second...

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