The Best Puke Post Ever

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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LushMojo
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Post by LushMojo » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:28 pm

Steverino wrote:It disturbs me somewhat that I find these stories so funny but I sure do. Thanks for the posts, guys, I've had some good laughs today.
Same here, brother.

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Post by GScott » Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:00 pm

:barf1: :barf1:

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Post by GrabowGuy » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:04 am


Hey Mervis, I finally figured out a way to stop biting my nails.
How did you do it Merle?
I started wearing shoes! :no:
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Post by Del » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:27 am

Back in grade school, my brother was playing on the swing set after lunch... one of those long playground set-ups with a high bar and about 8 swings.

Some of the boys started a game to see if they could spit on each other as they passed... then going for distance, spitting two and three swings over while trying to miss his buddy in the next swing.

Grossed my brother out, big time. On the backswing of a high stroke, he leaned forward and hurled a 12-foot streak on the asphalt beneath him.

For the next couple of years, he was known as "Crop Duster."
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Post by Munkey » Fri Mar 21, 2008 3:02 pm

Several years ago, in the last of my bachelor days, I was big in to scuba diving - logging 70-some dives in about a year period. Almost all of them were in the cold waters of Northern California, with a few occasional trips to the not-so-cold waters of Southern California.

One of these trips down south was for a long weekend on a live-aboard dive boat that was heading to the Channel Islands. Late Thursday evening a couple local dive buddies and I arrived at the Santa Barbara Harbor and boarded the craft that would be our temporary home and transportation for the weekend. We joined twenty or so other divers on the boat. While we slept, the crew was busy getting us to our destination. The waters were calm, and all was well. We woke up to breakfast, already anchored at our first dive site. Life was rough, and over the course of the day we did 4 dives at various locations, plus a night dive. Saturday was much the same as the previous day, with changes in scenery. Life was still really rough. On top of the fantastic diving, the quality and quantity of food that the staff managed to squeeze out of the small galley was impressive. We hungry divers were kept well fed with 3 solid meals a day, dessert, and snacks.

After our Saturday night dive we got underway to hit another of the islands for our last two dives on Sunday, before heading back to Santa Barbara.

For the first time that weekend, the ocean got rough. Oof. My stomach got very, very mad. I tried to keep things under control, only chumming overboard once. This kept up for some time and I was getting tired and needed to rest for the dives the next day. I was waiting for my stomach to calm down and was generally looking forward to death. Finally, it seemed I was only a pale shade of green and could get some rest. I went bellow deck to the cramped bunk quarters that housed my fellow divers, but just as I got to my rack and crawled in, the ship hit a swell and my stomach revolted. Old Faithful... Mt. Saint Helens... Dinner slipped the surly bonds of my gut, to touch the face of my sleeping bag. I observed a moment of silence. Then experienced an aftershock. My earlier, valiant efforts to avoid feeding Pacific sea life only served to reserve ample fodder.

I took a minute to regroup and bask in my self-soiled humiliation. I made my way back up to the deck with my sleeping bag balled up, and acquired a trash bag for it. After cleaning up, I actually started to feel better, and was able to go back below deck and enjoy an almost restful night on a thin, cold, vinyl-covered mat.

In the morning all was well again. Breakfast, anchored at our dive spot. After sharing the woes of the previous evening with my friends, we enjoyed our last two dives. Afterward, we headed to the sun deck to relax and enjoy the trip back to the harbor. I was talking with one of my friends when a fellow diver, a young guy, sat by us and struck up conversation. After talking about diving and other pleasant conversation, he looked at us and sort of leaned in. "Hey, did you guys hear that guy last night?". "What?" I responded, as if I had no clue what he was talking about. "Oh, man. Last night, this guy comes down to the bunks and gets all sick. He was in his bunk and totally hurled all over himself. It was disgusting: 'HooOOooowoaAhgghghghhpfwlaaagabfffSploosh!' I mean you can hear it splattering! And then the smell, oh man, I thought I was going to puke, too!" I deadpanned the attentive lister, and when he finished, commented "Oh, man. That sucks." "Yeah!" My friend did her best not to bust out laughing, and our visitor didn't notice the stifled reaction. After he moseyed away, my friend and I had a good laugh. She was astonished I could keep a straight face while hearing my own repulsive story retold with much animation. Looking back, it would have been more fun to deadpan "Yeah, that was me." But hindsight, and all that.


...Oh yeah, and once, when I was a baby, I puked in my brother's eye.

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Post by FlyCruiser » Mon May 11, 2009 8:58 pm

Ok, I know this isn't proper of me, but I knew you all would appreciate this. My desk is always a mess. Paper here, coffee mugs there, random junk thrown in the middle, you get the picture. Well, I finished doing a closing right around 10 and went back into my office to seek the solace of a nice cup of joe. Instead of picking up my nice clean cup of fresh coffee, I picked one up that has apparently been sitting there for weeks. Yeah, I'm talking nice chunks of mold or mildew or whatever the crap is that grows in old coffee. Being the smart feller I am, I didn't notice the mug wasn't warm and wasn't looking at the contents when I drank from it. It tasted odd, kinda had that feeling fo when you put a battery to your tongue. Well, then I looked into the mug to see what was up, saw the funk floating in it and threw up all over my desk, self and floor. The best part is that I had three coworkers in my office at the time. I blame it on a "bad case of the Monday's..."
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Post by John-Boy » Tue May 12, 2009 3:49 pm

First off - kudos to FlyCruiser for reviving this thread.
Munkey wrote:"Hey, did you guys hear that guy last night?". "What?" I responded, as if I had no clue what he was talking about. "Oh, man. Last night, this guy comes down to the bunks and gets all sick. He was in his bunk and totally hurled all over himself. It was disgusting: 'HooOOooowoaAhgghghghhpfwlaaagabfffSploosh!' I mean you can hear it splattering! And then the smell, oh man, I thought I was going to puke, too!" I deadpanned the attentive lister, and when he finished, commented "Oh, man. That sucks." "Yeah!" My friend did her best not to bust out laughing, and our visitor didn't notice the stifled reaction. After he moseyed away, my friend and I had a good laugh. She was astonished I could keep a straight face while hearing my own repulsive story retold with much animation. Looking back, it would have been more fun to deadpan "Yeah, that was me." But hindsight, and all that.
This part of Munkey-boy's story reminded me of story with a similar theme that a friend related to me. A co-worker was in the can when the dude in the next stall begins an extensive session of massive diarrhea with grunting and splashing and the like. The co-worker later back at his desk was relating the unusual diarrhea explosion that occurred in the adjacent stall to other co-workers when he looked down at their shoes... and stopped on one pair... "Hey! It was YOU!"
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Post by 7formy1911 » Wed May 13, 2009 5:31 am

Story #1
I had a friend in college who I went to a Halloween party with. It was late in the evening and we'd been drinking quite a bit. My friend who we shall call "Dano" was sitting on a couch in between two people with a table in front of him. Not exactly the place you want to be if you need a quick exit to the bathroom. He had a large glass of beer in front of him that was about a 1/3 of the way full. All of a sudden he gets this look on his face that you all know... the look of puke. With nowhere to go he takes the cup of beer in front of him, drinks it and then proceeds to vomit in the cup he just finished drinking from. It was the quietest, most professional puke I've ever seen. He filled the cup right up to the top and placed it on the table without spilling a drop and then politely excused himself to the bathroom. 8O

Story #2
My friend and I got the bright idea of seeing if there was any difference in drinkability between good vodka and bad vodka. So we both proceeded to the nearest liquor store and I purchased a nice bottle of vodka and he got the nastiest stuff he could find. We both agreed up cranberry juice as the mixer and that we would maintain the same drinking pace throughout the evening. Well we had both finished all but a 1/4 of each bottle and called it quits. I was just feeling full but he wasn't feeling so good. All of sudden he bolts up from the room heading to the dorm bathroom. The bathrooms in our dorm had two stalls and two urinals. Unfortunately that night one of our friends was dropping anchor in the other stall. My friend bursts through the unoccupied stall and hurls before he made it to the toilet. The vomit splashed all over our friends new shoes and shorts. Needless to say my buddy owed him a new pair of shoes... :barf1:
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Post by coco » Mon Apr 26, 2010 4:38 am

I barfed all over Stephanie McGilvary in second grade. Coated, head to toe.


That is all.
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Post by darthsaturn » Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:32 pm

This is such a great thread. My story is not as grandios. It was around 1994 and I got a 24 hour stomach bug. That morning for breakfast, i had chocolate chip pancakes at IHOP. The bug did not hit me until 7pm that night.

Once it hit, I puked every hour on the hour, non-stop for 24 ticks. Well, in order to stay hydrated and to avoid dry heaves, I drank ginger ale. During the course of the pukefest that night, I threw up the ginger ale. I remember thinking between heaves, "Wow, this ginger ale tastes pretty good coming back up....BARF!" I giggled while I continued vomiting because the toilet became very fizzy.

BTW, I can not eat chocolate chip pancakes to this day.
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Post by LushMojo » Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:13 pm

darthsaturn wrote:This is such a great thread. My story is not as grandios. It was around 1994 and I got a 24 hour stomach bug. That morning for breakfast, i had chocolate chip pancakes at IHOP. The bug did not hit me until 7pm that night.

Once it hit, I puked every hour on the hour, non-stop for 24 ticks. Well, in order to stay hydrated and to avoid dry heaves, I drank ginger ale. During the course of the pukefest that night, I threw up the ginger ale. I remember thinking between heaves, "Wow, this ginger ale tastes pretty good coming back up....BARF!" I giggled while I continued vomiting because the toilet became very fizzy.

BTW, I can not eat chocolate chip pancakes to this day.
Still the best puke thread ever.

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Post by OldWorldSwine » Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:33 pm

darthsaturn wrote:This is such a great thread. My story is not as grandios. It was around 1994 and I got a 24 hour stomach bug. That morning for breakfast, i had chocolate chip pancakes at IHOP. The bug did not hit me until 7pm that night.

Once it hit, I puked every hour on the hour, non-stop for 24 ticks. Well, in order to stay hydrated and to avoid dry heaves, I drank ginger ale. During the course of the pukefest that night, I threw up the ginger ale. I remember thinking between heaves, "Wow, this ginger ale tastes pretty good coming back up....BARF!" I giggled while I continued vomiting because the toilet became very fizzy.

BTW, I can not eat chocolate chip pancakes to this day.
Prom night my girlfriend horked Brass Monkey all over my shoes while I held her hair. Since then, the smell of lemonade can make me queasy.

But my most notorious feat by far was after celebrating a friend's 21st birthday. Got roaring plastered on Mickey's Malt Liquor and Canadian Mist... my wife caught the brunt of it after we went to bed. Apparently (I have no recollection) I was ASLEEP and ralphed in the bed and all over her hair. She also claimed to have been compelled to remove the grate on the air vent (in the floor by the bed) to clean that out, as well. I guess the hot air blowing that smell around was not something she was equipped to ignore.

That was close to 29 years ago. I'd say she passed her Trial-By-Hurl. She would have left right then, if she didn't really lurv me.
"There's what's right and there's what's right and never the twain shall meet."

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Post by Kodiak » Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:12 pm

I was hiking a realy realy steep trail with my step-sis. She was a great XC runner and in shape, and I at the time was not. We get to the top and I about pass out. I feel like I am going to throw up and I tell her, so she gives me her bottle of water that is still half frozen. I drank a huge gulp and the shock of the cold water made me vomit, and it was weird cause my face and body was realy hot, but the vomit was icy cold.
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Post by Dewey » Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:19 pm

I ate at Dairy Queen on the way back from Lubbock one day. I ordered a cheese burger that did not have cheese, known as the cheese-less cheese burger or DQ employee goof, I had the usual fries and a Surge as the drink; the drink should date about how long ago this was....

Fast forward a few hours, I met up with my girlfriend and we were outside her home, in front of my friends truck. I was not feeling that well and she knew this. We had a moment that ended up being our first kiss together. Right after I kissed her, I puked all over the side of my friends truck.

To her credit, she was very sweet and understanding. We did not last long after that. We still went to the prom, months later, but that is an entirely different, sad story...
Love Dewey.

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Post by MrPiper » Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:34 pm

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Last edited by MrPiper on Sun Sep 04, 2016 11:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Spyderweb » Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:55 pm

We (me / wife / son / daughter) were at a relatives house for a birthday party. And I don't remember how I was warned, but about 1.5 seconds before my son started to hurl, I knew it was coming. Now, they had just moved into this house, and the carpeting was brand new (the lightest beige you could imagine). Taking a quick look, there was nothing - no bowls, no bags no nothing available. So, I did the only thing I could think of - offered up my cupped hands. My son (maybe 5 years old) takes advantage of my offered hands, and proceeds to fill them up to the very top with his hot bubbly partially processed birthday cake and Sprite. I managed to get up from the floor and walk to the bathroom with his offering, all without spilling a drop. Oh, the joys of being a parent.

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Post by OldWorldSwine » Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:59 pm

Spyderweb wrote:We (me / wife / son / daughter) were at a relatives house for a birthday party. And I don't remember how I was warned, but about 1.5 seconds before my son started to hurl, I knew it was coming. Now, they had just moved into this house, and the carpeting was brand new (the lightest beige you could imagine). Taking a quick look, there was nothing - no bowls, no bags no nothing available. So, I did the only thing I could think of - offered up my cupped hands. My son (maybe 5 years old) takes advantage of my offered hands, and proceeds to fill them up to the very top with his hot bubbly partially processed birthday cake and Sprite. I managed to get up from the floor and walk to the bathroom with his offering, all without spilling a drop. Oh, the joys of being a parent.
Well done! That's amazing. I never made it without spilling :barf1:

I'm pretty sure that neither of our kids ever threw up that small an amount.
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Post by CourageKeeper » Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:38 pm

Spyderweb wrote:We (me / wife / son / daughter) were at a relatives house for a birthday party. And I don't remember how I was warned, but about 1.5 seconds before my son started to hurl, I knew it was coming. Now, they had just moved into this house, and the carpeting was brand new (the lightest beige you could imagine). Taking a quick look, there was nothing - no bowls, no bags no nothing available. So, I did the only thing I could think of - offered up my cupped hands. My son (maybe 5 years old) takes advantage of my offered hands, and proceeds to fill them up to the very top with his hot bubbly partially processed birthday cake and Sprite. I managed to get up from the floor and walk to the bathroom with his offering, all without spilling a drop. Oh, the joys of being a parent.
I have had the pleasure of a similar experience with my younger sister. I think that we were at a restaurant though.
I have two younger sisters, now aged 4 and 6, but the older one was a puke machine when she was a wee tike. About half of my shirts at the time had the distinct whitish stains on the shoulders. Ah, baby puke. I kinda miss it.
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Re: The Best Puke Post Ever

Post by LushMojo » Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:45 pm

LushMojo wrote:The Best Puke Post Ever

....okay, well maybe not ever.

I saw someone puke the other day. It was in a parking lot, so technically, he made a street pizza. He seemed completely nonplussed.

Remember in grade school when someone would hurl? Stories of the event would spread like wildfire.

"Did you hear? Larry just whistled beef!"

And we'd all go running to see that big brown vile puddle while Larry stood there not knowing what to do or say. (What IS the appropriate comment after having just yodelled gravy?)

And THEN the janitor would come out like the Vomit Fairy with his little bag of orange sawdust. Those guys are like ninjas. Where DO they come from so quickly?

And the vernacular....

Park the custard.
The Technocolor yawn.
Calling Ralph.
Doing the liquid laugh.
Heaving.
Chunder.
Flash the hash.
Hoy up.
Sauce (as in "he sauced").
Spew.
Barking carrots.
Parking tigers.
Refund the buffet.
A Vomitov Cocktail.
Vomick.
Feed the fish.
The Reverse Breakfast.
The Bit Spit.
The Grocery Blow.
Bringing it up for a vote.
The Brooklyn mating call.
Oral sacrifice to the Porcelain God.
Growling Splash Monkey.
Horking stew.
Organ recital.

Whatever you call it, in my house we're divided on the issue. My wife has only puked once in 17 years of marriage. She avoids it at all costs. I, on the other hand, think that puking is to be done at the first sign of feeling ill. Get it over with, I say. Let the chips fall where they may (as long as it's not fish and chips). Heave-ho boy-o.

I know a guy back in Louisiana that was a chaperone/counselor on a ski trip with a group of high-schoolers. He's a real queasy type. He'd puke if you just talked about it. As luck would have it, he came face to face with El Luncho Rejecto on this trip.

It seems that one girl had busied herself eating tons of Slims Jims and chips and twinkies and soda and PixieStix and every other junk food she could get her mits on. And yep, you guessed it. She began refunding all over the back of the bus.

So, the bus stops and she goes out the back emergency exit to finish up. My friend goes back to make sure she's okay. While back there, the other counselors are cleaning up as best they can with a huge beach towel.

Someone yells, "Get that towel outta here! It stinks!"

So, the girl is going back to front of the bus to get back on and my friend is going to close the back exit door. He arrives just in time to get hit right in the face with the towel as it flies out.

Now, the towel being as long as it was, wrapped around his head numerous times forming what can only be described as a Hurl Turban. Imagine his pure unadulterated delight. I understand that the sounds he made can only be described as whalesong and that he hurled many times over the next several hours.

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Alright, so let's hear your best puke story and/or your favorite descriptive term.

This entry was brought to you by the letter V and by Wolf Brand Chili.
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Post by Jocose » Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:52 pm

You haven't really puked unless while doing so your testes have cramped and you've simultaneously released large amounts of uncontrollable flatulence
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