The Best Puke Post Ever

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LushMojo
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The Best Puke Post Ever

Post by LushMojo » Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:18 pm

The Best Puke Post Ever

....okay, well maybe not ever.

I saw someone puke the other day. It was in a parking lot, so technically, he made a street pizza. He seemed completely nonplussed.

Remember in grade school when someone would hurl? Stories of the event would spread like wildfire.

"Did you hear? Larry just whistled beef!"

And we'd all go running to see that big brown vile puddle while Larry stood there not knowing what to do or say. (What IS the appropriate comment after having just yodelled gravy?)

And THEN the janitor would come out like the Vomit Fairy with his little bag of orange sawdust. Those guys are like ninjas. Where DO they come from so quickly?

And the vernacular....

Park the custard.
The Technocolor yawn.
Calling Ralph.
Doing the liquid laugh.
Heaving.
Chunder.
Flash the hash.
Hoy up.
Sauce (as in "he sauced").
Spew.
Barking carrots.
Parking tigers.
Refund the buffet.
A Vomitov Cocktail.
Vomick.
Feed the fish.
The Reverse Breakfast.
The Bit Spit.
The Grocery Blow.
Bringing it up for a vote.
The Brooklyn mating call.
Oral sacrifice to the Porcelain God.
Growling Splash Monkey.
Horking stew.
Organ recital.

Whatever you call it, in my house we're divided on the issue. My wife has only puked once in 17 years of marriage. She avoids it at all costs. I, on the other hand, think that puking is to be done at the first sign of feeling ill. Get it over with, I say. Let the chips fall where they may (as long as it's not fish and chips). Heave-ho boy-o.

I know a guy back in Louisiana that was a chaperone/counselor on a ski trip with a group of high-schoolers. He's a real queasy type. He'd puke if you just talked about it. As luck would have it, he came face to face with El Luncho Rejecto on this trip.

It seems that one girl had busied herself eating tons of Slims Jims and chips and twinkies and soda and PixieStix and every other junk food she could get her mits on. And yep, you guessed it. She began refunding all over the back of the bus.

So, the bus stops and she goes out the back emergency exit to finish up. My friend goes back to make sure she's okay. While back there, the other counselors are cleaning up as best they can with a huge beach towel.

Someone yells, "Get that towel outta here! It stinks!"

So, the girl is going back to front of the bus to get back on and my friend is going to close the back exit door. He arrives just in time to get hit right in the face with the towel as it flies out.

Now, the towel being as long as it was, wrapped around his head numerous times forming what can only be described as a Hurl Turban. Imagine his pure unadulterated delight. I understand that the sounds he made can only be described as whalesong and that he hurled many times over the next several hours.

Image

Alright, so let's hear your best puke story and/or your favorite descriptive term.

This entry was brought to you by the letter V and by Wolf Brand Chili.
Last edited by LushMojo on Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by SlowToke » Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:39 pm

That is an awesome puke story. Nope, can't beat it. I've seen some real pea soupers though. Thanks for the laugh.

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Post by LushMojo » Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:43 pm

I swear, there's just not much funnier than puking. I've even laughed at myself after puking before. Food going in the wrong direction = pure comedy gold. Unless you get puked on. Nothing funny about that. I've had that happen at the hospital before. Party's over then.

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Post by colton » Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:05 pm

I'm not sure I can top that one, but while I was in Ireland, I was walking to a pub down one of the the main pedestrian streets. Three guys strode past moving at a pretty good clip; one was telling a story. He says, "Oh, hold on a second," turns his head, blows chunks everywhere, resumes his story and never breaks stride. That, my friends, is a professional Irish drunk.

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Post by Thoth » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:33 am

Happened just like it did in the movies. The scene grammar school lunch room. I was in 7th grade and of my friends was feeling ill and vomited on the table. Which caused one of the more weak stomach girls to vomited, now when the sight and smell of two people puking hit, others started to vomited cause a puke chain reaction about 12 kids give or take in all ended up puking. The high point if it can be called tha was the janitors broke out their entire stash of that minty scented greenish sawdust/cat litter stuff used for these occasions (which I oddly liked the smell of).
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Re: The Best Puke Post Ever

Post by freebird » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:38 am

LushMojo wrote:The Best Puke Post Ever

....okay, well maybe not ever.

I saw someone puke the other day. It was in a parking lot, so technically, he made a street pizza. He seemed completely nonplussed.

Remember in grade school when someone would hurl? Stories of the event would spread like wildfire.

"Did you hear? Larry just whistled beef!"

And we'd all go running to see that big brown vile puddle while Larry stood there not knowing what to do or say. (What IS the appropriate comment after having just yodelled gravy?)

And THEN the janitor would come out like the Vomit Fairy with his little bag of orange sawdust. Those guys are like ninjas. Where DO they come from so quickly?

And the vernacular....

Park the custard.
The Technocolor yawn.
Calling Ralph.
Doing the liquid laugh.
Heaving.
Chunder.
Flash the hash.
Hoy up.
Sauce (as in "he sauced").
Spew.
Barking carrots.
Parking tigers.
Refund the buffet.
A Vomitov Cocktail.
Vomick.
Feed the fish.
The Reverse Breakfast.
The Bit Spit.
The Grocery Blow.
Bringing it up for a vote.
The Brooklyn mating call.
Oral sacrifice to the Porcelain God.
Growling Splash Monkey.
Horking stew.
Organ recital.

Whatever you call it, in my house we're divided on the issue. My wife has only puked once in 17 years of marriage. She avoids it at all costs. I, on the other hand, think that puking is to be done at the first sign of feeling ill. Get it over with, I say. Let the chips fall where they may (as long as it's not fish and chips). Heave-ho boy-o.

I know a guy back in Louisiana that was a chaperone/counselor on a ski trip with a group of high-schoolers. He's a real queasy type. He'd puke if you just talked about it. As luck would have it, he came face to face with El Luncho Rejecto on this trip.

It seems that one girl had busied herself eating tons of Slims Jims and chips and twinkies and soda and PixieStix and every other junk food she could get her mits on. And yep, you guessed it. She began refunding all over the back of the bus.

So, the bus stops and she goes out the back emergency exit to finish up. My friend goes back to make sure she's okay. While back there, the other counselors are cleaning up as best they can with a huge beach towel.

Someone yells, "Get that towel outta here! It stinks!"

So, the girl is going back to front of the bus to get back on and my friend is going to close the back exit door. He arrives just in time to get hit right in the face with the towel as it flies out.

Now, the towel being as long as it was, wrapped around his head numerous times forming what can only be described as a Hurl Turban. Imagine his pure unadulterated delight. I understand that the sounds he made can only be described as whalesong and that he hurled many times over the next several hours.

Image

Alright, so let's hear your best puke story and/or your favorite descriptive term.

This entry was brought to you by the letter V and by Wolf Brand Chili.
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Post by Danksalot » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:44 am

One time I felt really sick in Jr. High. I went to the nurse's office and she said that my temperature was normal. She couldn't send me home unless I had a fever or if I yacked.

So I was sitting on the paper-covered table/bed/thing and all of a sudden I tossed my cookies all over her desk. It got all over her desk calender, you know, the place-mat kind that cover your whole desk and you keep all year. At least I still had my wits about me, and I immediately asked, "Can I go home now?"

I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

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Post by John-Boy » Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:11 am

LM - that made me cry. Wow. That was beautiful!
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Post by LushMojo » Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:23 am

John-Boy wrote:LM - that made me cry. Wow. That was beautiful!
I'm glad you appreciated it, JB. It's always a pleasure to bring joy via the jocularity of vomitus or fecal anecdote.

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Post by John-Boy » Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:30 am

There's a special place in my heart for puke stories.

It was the first day of student teaching when I was "on my own" - the lead teacher was actually out of the building. There were 40 7th graders in a 90 minutes class (Yeah - genius idea whoever came up with that idea.) So about 20 minutes in I can start to feel the class slipping away. I'm starting to lose control. The stress level is rising. There's one sweet little girl in the middle of the class that's paying attention. I can see that she's really pulling for me and the stress is getting to her. A couple times I think she was actually shaking. So just as the the class is really on the edge of pandemonium... sweet little miss paying attention erupts. Miss pay attention turns into miss garden hose. Head turning back and forth broadcasting in a wide arc. The pushed the class over the edge - into the valley - digs a hole - climbs in and keeps going. Total chaos. I'm thinking... hmm... they didn't cover this in my teacher classes. I was a deer in the headlights. "What should we do Mr. Congleberry?" Uhh... clean it up I guess. Grab some napkins or something. Eeeeeew. Apparantly that wasn't the right answer. "Don't you think we should get a janitor?" Uhh.. yeah, do that. "Should I take miss barfo to the nurse?" Uh... yeah, do that. It all kinda goes blank after that.
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Post by Steverino » Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:39 am

I'm not a frequent yakker, maybe once every 5 to 10 years. It doesn't bother me if I see it, hear it, etc. Raising three kids tends to steel your constitution rather well. We do have a family story though that always brings chuckles but it probably wouldn't to anyone else. We were at the state fair in October of 1990 when our youngest son was 15 months old. I was holding him at the time and we were standing in front of the restrooms. All of a sudden he wretched all over me. No warning whatsoever. I stood there looking stupid and my wife and the other kids (and probably several hundred other people) just started laughing. I remember feeling stupified but I don't know whether it was because it had never happened before or if it was because of the amazing capacity of that little youngun's stomach. He's 18 now and he hasn't blarched on me since.

Edit: I should mention that my wife is the expert on this - she teaches kindergarten and can regale you with puke stories just about every week.
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Post by Jflo » Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:30 am

Will- that was an Awesome story!!! The memories come flooding back!

Here's my story-

When I was in 10th grade, my best friend and I were drummers in the marching band, and our band went to KU for "KU Band Day" where many local marching bands went and played. It was a good time. Anyway, my friend had drank a lot the night before and wasn't feeling too good. We made it through the whole day at the stadium, performing and hanging out. I bought a coke in a souvenir cup, which I was excited to show my family when we got home...

On the bus, we were all having fun, then my friend starts to get that look, you know, the wide eyed, "I don't feel so good" look, then he ralphs, but he kept it in his mouth, with his cheeks looking like Satchmo. He looks at me, points at my prized cup. "Oh man", I was thinking. "Not my special cup"! But being the friend I am, I hand him the cup, he hurls into it (spaghetti strands and all), didn't get any anywhere but the cup! I don't know how he did that. This whole process took about a good minute before I decided to give him the cup.

then he held the cup the rest of the way back to the school!!! About an hour! Talk about an unpleasant ride home!


YAK-o-Licious!!!! this is a great thread!!!
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Post by sysiphus » Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:24 am

Are you people aware that due to firewall restrictions, I do not get to see most of the pictures on this site unless I use a proxy? I have yet to see an Anixi, Munkey, Ben or Crosby pipe, or many of the photoshop funnies on here without going to great lengths to view them. LM's rack and tobacco pics? Nope. Blocked. JB's 'driving with my pipe' series? No way.

Picture of guy barfing? No problem.

Thanks, Will!
Gossett closed his bag of Cheezits and silently prayed

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Post by Dug » Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:52 am

Alright, I've made the mistake of reading this thread while sitting down to my lunch -- a can of Campbell's Select Zesty Azteca Meatball and Rice soup. Trust me, this is not a good combo.

Anyhow, I was about to do the textual equivalent of rolling my eyes, and upbraid you all for this disgusting, sophomoric grossness. But then I remembered that I have a puke story, too:

Being the oldest of my brothers, many years ago I was left to watch my younger siblings while the folks ran out for some errand or another.

At the time, my youngest bro (yes, a certain accomplished pipemaker and moderator of this site) was a wee babe-in-arms. Me and my next youngest sibling were playing with him. I was lying on the floor, making baby Munkey laugh by holding him arms-length above me and "flying" him about (with all of the requisite airplane noises). Well, during one of his smiling passes, he suddenly launched his baby lunch -- all of it -- into my right eye.

Dunno if anyone has ever puked in your eye before but, with the stomach acid and all, it burns like the Dickens. I started yelling for some help from Brother #2, but he was just doubled up, laughing; useless. ("It's like a perfect puddle! I can't see your eye!" was the extent of his contribution.) I finally had to put baby down on the carpet and run for a towel myself. After much eye-rinsing and a couple hours distance, I could (kinda begin to admit starting to) see the humor in the situation. But I was pretty unhappy (and stinging and bloodshot) at the time.

If you puked in someone's eye, don't you think you'd make them a nice sandblasted, saddle stem billiard or something, to make amends? I know I would...

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Post by sysiphus » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:38 pm

Christmas season, 1994. I'm working Garde Manger at a restaurant called Rhett's at the Opryland Hotel, and I proceed to eat about 3 fresh pineapples (Hawaiian Gold, sweet sweet pineapple.) during the dinner service. Do some work, snack on some pineapple, repeat. Get off work and go to a friend's house to watch a movie. Being Christmastime (and me being a glutton), I drink a 32 ounce cup of eggnog. Movie over, go back to my place and go to bed. About 4 in the morning, I wake up. Go to the bathroom and back to bed. For some reason, I can't fall asleep, though; tossing and turning--this is not normal. Finally, about 6:00, I realize that the reason that I can't sleep is that I am sick! Once that realization hits, it's a mad dash to the bathroom where I proceed to hudge a pound of pineapple mixed with a quart of curdled eggnog. The only dry spot in the bathroom is that portion of the ceiling directly behind my head, as when the puke hit the toilet, it did it with such force that the contents of the bowl sprayed all over the room. I used every towel in the apartment (3 single guys, I think we had about 5 towels), then I took a shower, dried off with a t-shirt, went to Wal-Mart and bought about ten more towels and a buncha chemicals to finish cleaning. We never got the smell out of that place, we had to move before anyone could get a girl to come visit.

2007. C-130 cargo aircraft fitted with seats to haul passengers. (How many people does a C-130 hold? ONE MORE!!!) Haven't taken off yet, in fact there's only one engine running. Guy across the "aisle" (heh) gets sick into his helmet (must be worn during the flight). Others get sick immediately after in the "chain reaction". Two people forward in the plane, I hear a voice say "Somebody had a Snickers". Everyone 'affected' gets off to go "clean up", while a young Air Force dude comes on the plane to clean the floor and replace the seats (bless his heart). OK. Everybody back on the aircraft. It's about 140 degrees, we're all in helmets and about 60 pounds of protective gear, and we begin our three hour flight that ends in a "combat landing" (the plane makes varied, rapid changes in altitude, speed and direction of flight, and finally 'falls out of the sky' onto the runway. In the pitch dark.). When they drop the ramp and turn on the lights, it turns out that others have become ill as well. All of the "sick" folks have to de-plane first, which means that they have to walk past everyone behind them to get off the plane. As most of them puked in their laps, they are now depositing their vomit on others as they walk past them. It's now about 28 degrees outside, and we all get to stand on the flightline waiting for them to "clear" the plane. Good times.
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Post by Cadfael » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:40 pm

When my daughter was just a wee lil thing, she did this thing that her doctor called "Projectile Vomiting". It happened so often that she hardly seemed to notice it anymore. This lovely happy giggly playful baby girl would be in the middle of singing a child's song, turn her head and paint the wall on the other side of the room, and go right back to her song. On one very special morning I had her all dressed up in her beautiful white frilly dress, and I was looking dapper in my new suit, and we were just about ready to go to HER BAPTISM... when she looked at me so sweetly, tilted her head to the side just a bit, giggled, and then hosed me down thoroughly. From my chin to my belt, there wasn't an inch of me that she didn't get. Oh boy.

That same little girl is going to college in the fall... now I really feel ill.
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Post by LushMojo » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:17 pm

Steverino and John-Boy....my wife has been a teacher for the past 13 years, so she's pretty acquainted with puke-fests as well (although from highschoolers).

And Dug, you say "disgusting, sophomoric grossness" like it's a bad thing. Didn't know you were Munkey's brother. Awesome story, by the way. Nothing like a little bile in the eye.

Sysiphus - you win. Seriously. That was wicked funny.

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Post by MacGuru » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:51 pm

I preface this with the explanation that this occurred prior to my more grace-filled days :)

That said, some friends and I had a Halloween party to attend, and my friends went as 2 separate things: One was the Zig-Zag man (yes, he was a giant pack of rolling papers) and the other went as this improbably complicated alien thingy. The mask he wore was so well secured that he pretty much did all his drinking that night through a straw that he poked in between the rubber lips of the mask.
For those that don't see what's coming next, his mask and suit were hot- really hot. And we couldn't see his face to get some advance warning that he was about to pop like a hot soda. So as we stand there, chatting up some-missus-or-other, we hear this awful garbled sound from behind the alien mask- clearly, he's reached critical mass. In an effort (albeit poorly thought out) to help, Mr. Zig-Zag yanks the mask off, just in time to catch a double-barrelled dose on the front of his oh-so-white Zig Zag Box. In short, quite a scene. I almost passed out laughing. It only got better as all either was wearing underneath were some tighty-whiteys, which they braved out the rest of the evening in.
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Post by Roadmaster » Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:43 pm

The MrsZed avatar is a real gut check.
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Post by Steverino » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:40 pm

It disturbs me somewhat that I find these stories so funny but I sure do. Thanks for the posts, guys, I've had some good laughs today.
Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. Isaiah 55:6,7 ESV

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