Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Even cigar smokers are welcome here
User avatar
tuttle
Tomnoddy Attercop
Tomnoddy Attercop
Posts: 14084
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2008 6:00 pm
Location: Middle-west
Contact:

Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by tuttle » Sat Jul 14, 2018 10:16 am

I've had a few bad smokes. Maybe the construction was flawed or the draw was too tight or too loose. Sometimes the flavor is just harsh, acrid. Any of those might be good candidates, but my worst smoke ever was the only time I've ever smoked a Cuban cigar.

It was 9 years ago this September. The wife and I visited Niagara Falls. We stayed on the Canadian side and per my research I was well aware that the purchase of the mystical Cuban cigar would be quite easy. Just before we left a buddy of mine had told me about his experience in the Caribbean or some such place and how he had smoked some amazing Cuban cigars. He told me all about how to spot the fakes and what brands to look for. I was prepared.

It was a crisp, cool, but comfortable evening, getting rather late, and we were out on the town. Before heading back to the hotel I made my way to the tobacconist, based on proximity. I should have known something wasn't quite right at the beginning because the place was in a mall and looked like a refurbished Claire's. The (few) cigars were in glass columns lit up with some neon blue lights. The clerk was an attractive lady who probably just got the job to smile at idiot tourists. Despite the warning signs, I only had Cuban on the brain, and I made a beeline straight for 'em. Though the cigars were in glass cases, the humidity wasn't that great and the cigars were harder than they ought to have been. This was my first disappointment. But it was late, and this was a CUBAN, and heck, I've smoked some perfectly good cigars that were harder than this. So I found the 'softest' one and paid the most I've ever paid for a single cigar: $30.

Fast forward, we're back at the hotel, there's an observation deck over looking the Falls and on this night the Falls were being illuminated in various colors. It's a bit colder now. Too cold for the wife, she leaves and I'm all alone. I make a good and careful cut on my expensive Cuban cigar and the end just frays and threatens to unwrap. I do my best to lick it into place. I light up. The draw is awful. It's like I'm sucking air out of the side of the cigar. But I persist and things get going. I'm immediately struck at how ashy it tastes right off the bat. Not a bad flavor, just ashy. I'm still fighting the unraveling end and the crappy draw, but the scenery is beautiful so I'm more or less forcing myself to ignore all the inadequacies. Time goes by and I'm still huffing and licking the end and getting that ashy taste and a security guard comes out. Now he's the most Canadian person I met in Canada. Imagine the stereotypical Canadian accent with 'eh?' after every word and that's him. So he comes out and stands next to me by the rail. I'm not sure at this point if smoking is not in this area, but it's outside and I'm all by myself not bothering anyone so I play cool.

"Nice night, eh?" says the guard. I grunt an affirmative. "So where you from, eh?" We engage in some small talk like this and I can tell that he's not out there to enjoy the show or to have small talk with a stranger, but to see if I'm up to no good. But he's super polite about it so it goes on and on and on for nearly the rest of my smoke. He's saying things like "Well we typically don't have many people out here at this time of night, eh" trying to get me to go inside for some reason, and I'm reassuring him I'll head in right after my smoke. I try to recapture the only good thing about the experience, just gazing at the Falls and losing myself in the moment, but he's like a foot away from me and keeps talking, eh. And the cigar at this point is on the verge of just unrolling all together like an ancient scroll, and I keep trying to lick it in place like a mother does to her son's cowlick, and I'm basically hyperventilating trying to taste what is by now the equivalent of licking an ashtray. It was a foolishly heroic effort just to trick myself into continuing as if it was going to get any better.

So finally I give up the fight. The cigar is just a bundle of leaves at this point and I turn to the security guard and say, "Well I guess I'll turn in" or something, "Oh ok" he says, acting surprised, fooling no one. "Yeah I guess I'll turn in too, eh" and he follows me in small chatting the whole way.
"The Evangelium has not abrogated legends; it has hallowed them" -JRR Tolkien

"Better to die cheerfully with the aid of a little tobacco, than to live disagreeably and remorseful without." -CS Lewis

User avatar
JMG
CPS Missionary to PNG
CPS Missionary to PNG
Posts: 6328
Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2010 6:00 pm
Location: Florence, MS & Papua New Guinea
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by JMG » Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:18 am

This was a good story.
"No reserves, no retreats, no regrets."
"When you're dumb, you've got to be tough." - my dad

User avatar
MrPiper
Needs to lighten up with the Xs
Needs to lighten up with the Xs
Posts: 5519
Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2008 6:00 pm
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by MrPiper » Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:37 pm

Once upon a time, there was a really excellent cigar company that had a brand called "Arturo Fuente". They made nice cigars. One day, someone at the Fuente factory asked one of the janitors to clean the cat litter box in the break room and crumble up all of the cat debris into small crumbs. I suppose they kept cats around the factory for mousing purposes. Next he was asked to sweep the tobacco floor where all of the finest cigars were carefully hand rolled and collect all of the leaf, stems and cuttings that fell to the floor. Finally he was asked to combine the two bins of waste and take them to the training room where the new torcedores were learning to roll cigars and they could practice with the cat poo and floor sweepings as filler.

Sadly, someone from the accounting department discovered that these cigars were being thrown out as the trash they were, but thought there might be some profit yet to be made. He took the amazingly beloved A.F. logo and name and called these semi smokable cat droppings, Arturo Fuente Fumas. They were placed in boxes of 25 and sold for what seemed like a reasonable price to unsuspecting cheapskates who might otherwise never experience the Arturo Fuente brands. As expected they smoked, smelled and tasted like their three primary ingredients: Dust, Tobacco stems, and cat poo. I honestly thought I was going to throw up. Sour, acrid and miserable. Threw the rest in the trash.

Fortunately the accountant was "displaced" in a "restructuring" at the company and now works for Starbucks and Target in their public relations departments.


The product has been unavailable for many years and hopefully is fully extinct.

The end

User avatar
Goose55
Bartleby the Scrivener
Bartleby the Scrivener
Posts: 9434
Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2016 6:44 pm
Location: Southern Arizona, U.S.A.

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Goose55 » Sat Jul 14, 2018 2:27 pm

One I rolled myself of dried maple leaves when I was a kid. I barfed.
"At present we're on the wrong side of the door. But all the pages of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor that it will not always be so." ~ C.S. Lewis

User avatar
JohnnyMcPiperson
I want one of those
I want one of those
Posts: 8702
Joined: Wed May 28, 2008 6:00 pm
Location: Near the Sunken Road, VA

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by JohnnyMcPiperson » Sat Jul 14, 2018 6:55 pm

While I was living in Spain, Cubans that were ill kept, yuck. Good Cubans aren’t bad, but I prefer Nicaraguan and Dominican TBH.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Cob Pipes Matter! The trophy was too big

User avatar
Gabriel
Enraged by S'mores
Enraged by S'mores
Posts: 11852
Joined: Thu Jun 25, 2009 6:00 pm
Location: central IL

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Gabriel » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:19 pm

It will be one I haven’t smoked yet, probably one of these:

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sola Deo Gloria

User avatar
DepartedLight
Likes Licking Guns
Likes Licking Guns
Posts: 28897
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:00 pm
Location: Tobacco Fairy HQ, North Carolina

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by DepartedLight » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:51 pm

A fine thread.

My first Cuban was a Romeo y Julieta and it was fantastic.

Later I was on a cruise and Cubans were open and free game.

I nabbed me a Cuban Cohiba and later that night when match set in, I was repulsed at the stick.

The next night at the same jazz cigar cruise boat lounge I visited each night of the trip, this old boy that I've been talking with for a week stumbles in. He was in a tux with bow tie disheveled, which was not the apparel I had seen him in previously. In his great generosity he slapped me on the back and gave me me a Punch Torpedo from Cuba.

A finer Cuban I have yet to taste.
DL Jake

Feel free to use that quote in your signature. Stanley76 » 22 Feb 2019 21:50

User avatar
Eruannu
Usher
Usher
Posts: 395
Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2016 5:59 pm

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Eruannu » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:00 pm

DepartedLight wrote:A fine thread.

My first Cuban was a Romeo y Julieta and it was fantastic.

Later I was on a cruise and Cubans were open and free game.

I nabbed me a Cuban Cohiba and later that night when match set in, I was repulsed at the stick.

The next night at the same jazz cigar cruise boat lounge I visited each night of the trip, this old boy that I've been talking with for a week stumbles in. He was in a tux with bow tie disheveled, which was not the apparel I had seen him in previously. In his great generosity he slapped me on the back and gave me me a Punch Torpedo from Cuba.

A finer Cuban I have yet to taste.
I had a Cuban Cohiba from a box that was a gift of Kinky Friedman when I was working in San Antonio. I do not remember being frustrated or disappointed. I do know I didn't know much about cigars and had drained half a bottle of full bodied wine that night. It was quite an experience. My worst cugar was one that was a gift on the occasion of the birth of a friend's child. He must have bought the box in advance and kept it in his car as the cheap stick was dry and was very repulsive in flavor.

Sent from my E6810 using Tapatalk


User avatar
SlowToke
John Crosby's Friend
John Crosby's Friend
Posts: 8649
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:00 pm
Location: Cloverdale, IN
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by SlowToke » Sun Jul 15, 2018 9:25 am

Swisher Sweets if you can call them cigars. My dad smoked them constantly and, of course, I would sneak one from his stash every now and then when I was a kid. God knows why because they are horrible. Probably why I'm not much of a cigar aficionado today.
Wayne Teipen
http://teipenpipes.com
"Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions." Proverbs 18:2

"Life is tough, and it's tougher when you're stupid." -- John Wayne

User avatar
sweetandsour
Minister of Shotgun Breaking
Minister of Shotgun Breaking
Posts: 10722
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:00 pm
Location: Bayou Self
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by sweetandsour » Sun Jul 15, 2018 3:15 pm

Paper and tobacco-product cigars such as King Edward, El Producto, and I guess Swisher, aside, the worst smoking cigars I've had were Don Tomas. A co-worker brought me back a box from a business trip in Latin America. The wrapper of each cigar contained curious looking sparkling crystals, as though they had been sprayed with something. And they had zero draw. None at all. I cut the ends off further and further until I was finally just cutting the cigar in half, and still, smoke would not travel through the cigar. They smelled good though, and so when ever I grilled, I would soak one and then lay it on the grill to let it smoke away, and actually enhanced the flavor of the smoke, I think. Went well with chicken and ribs, and homemade BBQ sauce.

Edit:. I never found out for sure what the crystals were, but I scraped them off first, as best I could, before smoking, or soaking, the cigar.
I'm old but I'm happy. (Most of the time.)

User avatar
7formy1911
Colt = PERFECTION
Colt = PERFECTION
Posts: 5118
Joined: Fri Apr 10, 2009 6:00 pm
Location: Indiana

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by 7formy1911 » Sun Jul 15, 2018 4:15 pm

The worst cigar I’ve had in recent memory was an Upmann Banker. Robusto I believe. It was ashy, I got tongue bite and lacked any redeeming qualities. Hot smoke and regret were my only parting gifts. No idea if it was improperly stored but it came from an honest to goodness cigar shop, not a neon lit shop that Tuttle was duped into visiting.
"The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money." Alexis De Tocqueville

"Speed is fine. Accuracy is final."

User avatar
Winton
Minister of Dad Jokes
Minister of Dad Jokes
Posts: 1485
Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2014 3:23 pm

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Winton » Sun Jul 15, 2018 4:47 pm

My first cigar was "It's a Boy" or "It's a Girl". At this point, I can't remember. I think that qualified as worst.

Let me tell you about my nephew's worst (first) cigar. The owner of the cigar shop was praising this new cigar. (Everyone at our pipe club gets a cigar on their birthday month.) My nephew thought it sounded good, so he bought one. Anyway, as he was smoking it, he enjoyed it. As we were driving home, "Uncle John, PLEASE PULL OVER!" Then he proceeded to inspect the lug nuts of my car, for a while. He was very quiet the rest of the trip home.

But he was looking forward to his birthday cigar on Saturday, but he can't go. He was relieved that it will be waiting for him next month.

User avatar
Thoth
Never had a corndog taco shake
Never had a corndog taco shake
Posts: 12347
Joined: Thu Dec 27, 2007 6:00 pm
Location: Formerly Jersey City, World's Greatest City.

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Thoth » Sun Jul 15, 2018 8:46 pm

Acid. couldn't tell you which one. But it was as if someone decided to make a cigar out of Mixture 79. Got a little less than a uarter of the way in and decided why am I torturing myself and tossed t.
"Go and reconcile with him who has trespassed against you before he comes and apologises to you and steals your crown" - H.H. Pope Cyril VI<br><br>"O Lord I was not aware of the treasure within me that is You" - H.H. Pope Shenouda III

User avatar
tuttle
Tomnoddy Attercop
Tomnoddy Attercop
Posts: 14084
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2008 6:00 pm
Location: Middle-west
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by tuttle » Mon Jul 16, 2018 7:58 am

Gabriel wrote:
Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:19 pm
It will be one I haven’t smoked yet, probably one of these:

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
:lol:
"The Evangelium has not abrogated legends; it has hallowed them" -JRR Tolkien

"Better to die cheerfully with the aid of a little tobacco, than to live disagreeably and remorseful without." -CS Lewis

User avatar
Cleon
The Mad Hatter
The Mad Hatter
Posts: 15143
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:00 pm
Location: Indiana - South of 40
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Cleon » Mon Jul 16, 2018 9:20 am

SlowToke wrote:
Sun Jul 15, 2018 9:25 am
Swisher Sweets if you can call them cigars. My dad smoked them constantly and, of course, I would sneak one from his stash every now and then when I was a kid. God knows why because they are horrible. Probably why I'm not much of a cigar aficionado today.
Ah, Swisher Sweets. The memories. Had one after my first prom. 8) Good times with a bad cigar, that's for sure.
"Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" - Jesus

"More people need to put their big boy britches on." - JMG

"Dang, a pipe slap." - JimVH

User avatar
Bloodhound
Loves Nickel Bands
Loves Nickel Bands
Posts: 9138
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 6:00 pm
Location: Rocky Mountains / Colorado
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Bloodhound » Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:06 am

I have had 3 that qualify...not because of taste, but because of smokability and they were all three from the same maker...The Edge is from a maker who shall remain...ah heck with it, you know who. Well Rocky had some issues with his folks who rolled the Edge series, and some of them were bad, I had one that canoed, no amount of trimming and fiddling with it would get it to not burn out the side the entire length of the cigar, one that had no draw, none what so ever, I had to cut it up and smoke it in a pipe. The last one I got while smoking with Simeon and it just dis-assembled itself as I smoked it, it unwrapped and fell apart, again there was no saving it. The shop in 2 of the cases gave me replacements.

I hear that Rocky has the issue fixed and quality is back...I don't know I have not purchased any more of that brand.
Scott ( aka - Thor )
Do Justice...Love Mercy...Walk Humbly With Your GOD

User avatar
tuttle
Tomnoddy Attercop
Tomnoddy Attercop
Posts: 14084
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2008 6:00 pm
Location: Middle-west
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by tuttle » Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:24 am

Bloodhound wrote:
Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:06 am
I have had 3 that qualify...not because of taste, but because of smokability and they were all three from the same maker...The Edge is from a maker who shall remain...ah heck with it, you know who. Well Rocky had some issues with his folks who rolled the Edge series, and some of them were bad, I had one that canoed, no amount of trimming and fiddling with it would get it to not burn out the side the entire length of the cigar, one that had no draw, none what so ever, I had to cut it up and smoke it in a pipe. The last one I got while smoking with Simeon and it just dis-assembled itself as I smoked it, it unwrapped and fell apart, again there was no saving it. The shop in 2 of the cases gave me replacements.

I hear that Rocky has the issue fixed and quality is back...I don't know I have not purchased any more of that brand.
Shoot...I've never thought about going back to the shop to see if they'd replace a stinker...
"The Evangelium has not abrogated legends; it has hallowed them" -JRR Tolkien

"Better to die cheerfully with the aid of a little tobacco, than to live disagreeably and remorseful without." -CS Lewis

User avatar
Bloodhound
Loves Nickel Bands
Loves Nickel Bands
Posts: 9138
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 6:00 pm
Location: Rocky Mountains / Colorado
Contact:

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Bloodhound » Mon Jul 16, 2018 1:09 pm

tuttle wrote:
Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:24 am
Bloodhound wrote:
Mon Jul 16, 2018 11:06 am
I have had 3 that qualify...not because of taste, but because of smokability and they were all three from the same maker...The Edge is from a maker who shall remain...ah heck with it, you know who. Well Rocky had some issues with his folks who rolled the Edge series, and some of them were bad, I had one that canoed, no amount of trimming and fiddling with it would get it to not burn out the side the entire length of the cigar, one that had no draw, none what so ever, I had to cut it up and smoke it in a pipe. The last one I got while smoking with Simeon and it just dis-assembled itself as I smoked it, it unwrapped and fell apart, again there was no saving it. The shop in 2 of the cases gave me replacements.

I hear that Rocky has the issue fixed and quality is back...I don't know I have not purchased any more of that brand.
Shoot...I've never thought about going back to the shop to see if they'd replace a stinker...
Both times I was in the shop smoking the cigar.
Scott ( aka - Thor )
Do Justice...Love Mercy...Walk Humbly With Your GOD

User avatar
Fainn
Master's of fArts
Master's of fArts
Posts: 4752
Joined: Fri Jan 29, 2016 8:48 pm
Location: Unleashing a deadly fart cloud on some unsuspecting soul

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by Fainn » Tue Jul 17, 2018 11:33 am

A 5 Vegas Gold that I smoked last year. I huffed and puffed, prayed, and cursed, only to discover that there was a stem running the entire length.
Farts are either proof that God is a man or a sign of a fallen world.

qmechanics
Congregation
Congregation
Posts: 35
Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2018 5:31 am

Re: Worst Cigar You've Ever Smoked

Post by qmechanics » Thu Jul 19, 2018 8:13 am

I believe it was Thomas Hinds..... Handmade long filler cigars... Horrible

Post Reply