How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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JimVH
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Tue May 01, 2018 7:31 pm

I wanted to be a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants.
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DepartedLight
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by DepartedLight » Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:36 pm

The Politics ban discussion thread got locked.

That's hilarious.
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FredS
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by FredS » Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:57 pm

[from MacGuru via FB]

Know why Norway put bar codes on their warships?

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

[/MacGuru]
"If we ever get to heaven boys, it aint because we aint done nothin' wrong" - Kris Kristofferson

"One of the things I love about CPS is the frank and enthusiastic dysfunction here. God help me, I do love it so." – OldWorldSwine

"I'd like to put a hook in that puppet and swing it through a bunch of salmon!" - durangopipe

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JimVH
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Jul 06, 2018 1:06 pm

We grilled wookie meat on the fourth.






I found it chewy.
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Jocose
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Fri Jul 06, 2018 2:57 pm

J-B and his wife were at dinner the other night.

Waiter: Ma'am, have you decided on dinner?

Mrs. J-B: yes, I'll have the Salmon please

Waiter: and the vegetable?

Mrs. J-B: He'll have the same.
"And for Freds sake, DO NOT point anyone towards CPS or you'll put them off of both Christianity and pipe smoking forever." ~ FredS



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JimVH
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:48 pm

A hundred women were asked if there butts were too big. Ninety said yes, but they wanted to stay married to them anyway.
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FredS
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by FredS » Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:52 pm

Surveys show that women with large butts live longer than men who mention it.
"If we ever get to heaven boys, it aint because we aint done nothin' wrong" - Kris Kristofferson

"One of the things I love about CPS is the frank and enthusiastic dysfunction here. God help me, I do love it so." – OldWorldSwine

"I'd like to put a hook in that puppet and swing it through a bunch of salmon!" - durangopipe

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Jocose
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:47 pm

How do you keep an ***hole in suspense?
"And for Freds sake, DO NOT point anyone towards CPS or you'll put them off of both Christianity and pipe smoking forever." ~ FredS



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Sir Moose
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:07 pm

Jocose wrote:
Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:47 pm
How do you keep an ***hole in suspense?
It's been two days and you haven't given the answer yet! Get with the program, you slacker!
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by mont974x4 » Mon Jul 09, 2018 9:40 pm

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It sounded better when the voices in my head were saying it.

Ire attracter-at-large and general misanthrope.

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JimVH
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Sat Aug 11, 2018 11:26 pm

Image
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durangopipe
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by durangopipe » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:24 am

My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
. . . be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV)

The most improper job of any man, even saints, is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity.. J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by durangopipe » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:31 am

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand ...
. . . be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV)

The most improper job of any man, even saints, is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity.. J.R.R. Tolkien

2017 Morley - Outstanding BRATASS of the Year

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Roadmaster » Wed Aug 29, 2018 1:12 pm

<This is not me I ride a Goldwing>

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."


Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Goose55 » Sat Nov 24, 2018 5:05 pm

A poll taker was in an Italian neighborhood in New York and came upon a senior citizen, Italian woman sweeping the sidewalk.

The surveyor asked "Ma'am, are you and your husband a Republican, Democrat, or a Technocrat?

The woman was puzzled. "Republican, Democrat, I know, but Technocrat?'

She turned to call up to her husband who was in the bathroom, with the window open, "Hey, honey, you Technocrat?"

He yelled back down, "No, justa takin' a shave."
"At present we're on the wrong side of the door. But all the pages of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor that it will not always be so." ~ C.S. Lewis

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:56 am

Q: Why are skinny jeans like a cheap hotel?
A: There's no ballroom!
"What doesn't kill you, gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor."

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