How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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JimVH
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Tue May 01, 2018 7:31 pm

I wanted to be a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by DepartedLight » Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:36 pm

The Politics ban discussion thread got locked.

That's hilarious.
DL Jake

Feel free to use that quote in your signature. Stanley76 » 22 Feb 2019 21:50

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by FredS » Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:57 pm

[from MacGuru via FB]

Know why Norway put bar codes on their warships?

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

[/MacGuru]
"If we ever get to heaven boys, it aint because we aint done nothin' wrong" - Kris Kristofferson

"One of the things I love about CPS is the frank and enthusiastic dysfunction here. God help me, I do love it so." – OldWorldSwine

"I'd like to put a hook in that puppet and swing it through a bunch of salmon!" - durangopipe

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Jul 06, 2018 1:06 pm

We grilled wookie meat on the fourth.






I found it chewy.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Fri Jul 06, 2018 2:57 pm

J-B and his wife were at dinner the other night.

Waiter: Ma'am, have you decided on dinner?

Mrs. J-B: yes, I'll have the Salmon please

Waiter: and the vegetable?

Mrs. J-B: He'll have the same.
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:48 pm

A hundred women were asked if there butts were too big. Ninety said yes, but they wanted to stay married to them anyway.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by FredS » Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:52 pm

Surveys show that women with large butts live longer than men who mention it.
"If we ever get to heaven boys, it aint because we aint done nothin' wrong" - Kris Kristofferson

"One of the things I love about CPS is the frank and enthusiastic dysfunction here. God help me, I do love it so." – OldWorldSwine

"I'd like to put a hook in that puppet and swing it through a bunch of salmon!" - durangopipe

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:47 pm

How do you keep an ***hole in suspense?
"And for Freds sake, DO NOT point anyone towards CPS or you'll put them off of both Christianity and pipe smoking forever." ~ FredS

"Death Wish and its progeny are some of the greatest films of the 1970s. If one disagrees with this, he is a foolish man with no taste." ~ TNLP

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:07 pm

Jocose wrote:
Fri Jul 06, 2018 8:47 pm
How do you keep an ***hole in suspense?
It's been two days and you haven't given the answer yet! Get with the program, you slacker!
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by mont974x4 » Mon Jul 09, 2018 9:40 pm

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It sounded better when the voices in my head were saying it.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Sat Aug 11, 2018 11:26 pm

Image

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by durangopipe » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:24 am

My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
. . . be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV)

The most improper job of any man, even saints, is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity.. J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by durangopipe » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:31 am

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand ...
. . . be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV)

The most improper job of any man, even saints, is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity.. J.R.R. Tolkien

2017 Morley - Outstanding BRATASS of the Year

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Roadmaster » Wed Aug 29, 2018 1:12 pm

<This is not me I ride a Goldwing>

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."


Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Goose55 » Sat Nov 24, 2018 5:05 pm

A poll taker was in an Italian neighborhood in New York and came upon a senior citizen, Italian woman sweeping the sidewalk.

The surveyor asked "Ma'am, are you and your husband a Republican, Democrat, or a Technocrat?

The woman was puzzled. "Republican, Democrat, I know, but Technocrat?'

She turned to call up to her husband who was in the bathroom, with the window open, "Hey, honey, you Technocrat?"

He yelled back down, "No, justa takin' a shave."
"At present we're on the wrong side of the door. But all the pages of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor that it will not always be so." ~ C.S. Lewis

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:56 am

Q: Why are skinny jeans like a cheap hotel?
A: There's no ballroom!
"What doesn't kill you, gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor."

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Fri Jan 25, 2019 9:19 am

Ever since I was a child, I'd always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?" “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked. “Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.” With a bit of an attitude he said, “Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed." Ain't nobody under there now!
”It's always better to get a second opinion.
"What doesn't kill you, gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor."

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Sat Feb 09, 2019 9:05 pm

The old man who dispensed wisdom to his tribe passed away so they had to get a new guy.
That Autumn the Indians asked the new guy what they should do to prepare for Winter. The new guy remembered what the old man said every Autumn and told the Indians
"Cut firewood" so off they went.
The new guy had second thoughts so he called the newspaper and asked
"Is it going to be a cold Winter?"
He was told
"It's going to be a really cold Winter"

The Indians returned and asked the new guy "What should we do next?"

The new guy answered "Cut more wood. It's going to be a really cold Winter"
So they left again. Chain saws gassed and fresh bar oil.

The new guy, worried since the tribe depended on him logged on to the Weather Channel and asked
"Is it going to be a really really cold Winter?"

"It's going to be a really really really cold Winter," they told him.

When the Indians returned he told them
"Cut more wood! It's going to be a really really really cold Winter!"

So off they went after resharpening their chainsaws

Once again the new guy was worried, so he called the National Weather Service and asked the meteorologist
"Is this going to be a really really really cold Winter?

The meteorologist said This is going to be the coldest Winter ever."

"Wow!" The new guy asked him "How do you know?"

"Because the Indians have been cutting an unbelievably huge amount of firewood!" The meteorologist replied.
"What doesn't kill you, gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor."

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