How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:33 am

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Briton "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:36 am

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"

"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by dasmokeryaget » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:41 am

Billy Ray and Billy Bob decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. They headed off to the community college. When they got there, Billy Ray says "stay in the truck. I got this." So he goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Billy Ray.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed
eater?"

"I sure do," answered Billy Ray.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.

"That's real good," Billy Ray responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard,"
you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!"

"And since you own a house, and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."

" This is incredible!" Says Billy Ray

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever
heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Billy Ray walked back the truck and told Billy Bob about the class requirements.

"So what classes are we takin?"

"Math, history, and logic," replied Billy Ray.

"What the hell is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You *a****!"

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:44 am

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 double whiskys and downs them in one.

Bar tender: "What's up?"

Man: "My youngest son just told me he's gay".

Next day he goes in and orders 15 double whiskys.

Bar tender: "What's up now?"

Man: "Just found out my oldest son is gay!"

Next day he goes in and orders 20 double whiskys.

Bar tender: "Good grief! Does no one in your family like women?"

Man: "Yes - my wife!"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 8:10 am

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.

These coyotes ain't f--kin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by ElgarAlienPooh » Sun Apr 06, 2014 8:59 am

God calls Adam & Eve for a conference.

"Listen Up, " he says. "The garden's finished, but I've got the whole rest of creation to do yet. I'm gonna start with the river, and when it's finished, do everything on the other side of it.

"You listening ? This is Really important now. It's going to look like it's finished, but it'll take a couple days before it's cured. So whatever you do, don't touch it. Just stay here in the garden. Got that ?"

They say they do, & go their separate ways.

After a while, God gets this uneasy sense that all is not well back in the garden, so he returns for a look-see. There, he finds Adam laying sprawled on his back, with a sh*t-eating grin on his face.

"How's it going, Adam ?" God asks him.

"We just discovered sex !" Adam replies. "And I've got to tell you -- incredible as your creation is -- you really outdid yourself with it !"

God smiles. "I'm glad you like it. But where's Eve ?"

"She's down at the river, washing up."

A look of horror come over God's face. "The RIVER ?!?! he cries . . . I TOLD you clowns not to . . .

"Now the fish are going to smell like that !"

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:45 pm

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:48 pm

I had planned to go to a friend's funeral, he was killed by a tennis ball which hit him on the head. It was a beautiful service. <redacted_emoji>
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:50 pm

A Loving Grandpa.....

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little
Sh_t's name is Kevin."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:52 pm

What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a piece of toast?
You can make soldiers from a piece of toast

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
(Schwartzkopf)

"War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II."
(Tom Brokaw)

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
(don’t know)

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
(Marge Simpson)
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 1:59 pm

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:07 pm

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:09 pm

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No s***?!? What happened next?" :lol:
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:13 pm

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.

"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:14 pm

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 2:16 pm

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by yetanotherbob » Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:32 pm

A young man asked an old rich man how he had made his money.

The old man explained, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the
Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel, so I invested that
nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple, and
at the end of the day I sold the apple for ten cents."

"And then?" pressed the young man.

"The next morning I invested the ten cents in two apples. I spent the
entire day polishing them, and at the end of the day I sold them for
20 cents. I continued this system for a month, and by then I had
accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"I don't get it," said the young man.

The old man continued, "Then my wife's father died and left us two
million dollars."
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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Post by Trekon86 » Sun Apr 06, 2014 9:57 pm

Being part Norwegian, and a big fan of "Prairie Home Companion" I find this joke to be pretty good :lol: :

______________________________________________________

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take two of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes the two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie-jumping is too dangerous for me!"

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying a paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole, vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself and the parrot over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as, half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot-shooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is reeling over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his neck.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie-jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting, and now Lars hen-gliding."

Dats all. Dere ain't no more! Now, go haf a good day, you betcha!
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
Thomas Edison

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 10:35 pm

Old Tom


Old friend Tom, was an 80-year-old rancher.


Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.


Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.'


Now, the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought that this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town, again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good -- she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And, how's the hired hand?'

Tom said, 'She's pregnant, too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 10:37 pm

An Emergency Call Center worker in Stockton has been dismissed from his job, much to the dismay of his colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with the treatment.

It seems a male caller dialed "911" from a mobile phone saying, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I'm waiting for a train to come so I can finally meet My Maker".

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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