How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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JimVH
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Thu Jun 27, 2019 7:15 pm

You know what's really odd?









Numbers not divisible by two.
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

"Your boos mean nothing. I see what you cheer." Kevin Sorbo

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Dlibbon » Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:04 am

A man gets caught illegally catching fish and putting them in a bucket. The game warden walks up with his ticket book open.

The man tells the game warden that he has not caught these fish they’re actually his pet fish.

Warden “Pet fish?”

Man “yea I’ll prove it they do tricks”

Warden “ok let’s see.”

Man “I’ll dump them in this creek and they’ll swim right back to this bucket when I whistle.”

Warden “Really!”

Man dumps bucket into creek.

Warden “I don’t see those fish swimming back”

Man “What fish.”


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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Sun Jun 30, 2019 6:34 pm

Dad: Oh look! A flock of cows!

Kid: Herd of cows, Dad.

Dad: Of course I've heard of 'em. There's a flock of 'em right over there.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Sir Moose » Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:41 pm

So I just got back home.
My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The Rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. Now, my neighbor's kids raise these Blue Ribbon WINNER Rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of their rabbits. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, I rushed inside, washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some ANIMALS play dead when they are AFRAID, I couldn't remember which animals because I was NERVOUS. I took it and placed it back in one of the cage, then I ZOOMED back home. NOT 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming. So I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:54 pm

Image
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:50 pm

Red Skelton was a presenter on one of the awards shows. I believe it was the Academy Awards. He announced that his faith in humanity had been restored. A lost wallet had been found. It had a large amount of cash in it. If anyone had lost their wallet, they could go to Helen Hunt for it.
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Wed Sep 04, 2019 5:03 pm

Confucius say “Man who walk sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok.”
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Fainn » Sat Sep 07, 2019 12:02 pm

I once knew a man with one leg named John. I forget the name of his other leg.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Mon Sep 09, 2019 8:22 pm

I said to the waitress "May I ask a question about the menu, please?"
The waitress snarled "The men I've pleased are none of your business!"
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Sep 13, 2019 9:56 am

How does a duck fart?



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"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

"Your boos mean nothing. I see what you cheer." Kevin Sorbo

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by UncleBob » Fri Sep 13, 2019 1:50 pm

What time was it when the elephant sat on the fence?



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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Sun Sep 15, 2019 9:27 am

So a duck goes into the pharmacy and puts some Chapstick on the counter. The pharmacist says, "Will that be cash?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill!"
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:15 am

The best way to kill a polar bear?

Drill a hole in the ice

Place peas around the hole

When the bears goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by hugodrax » Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:29 am

Hovannes wrote:
Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:15 am
The best way to kill a polar bear?

Drill a hole in the ice

Place peas around the hole

When the bears goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Why do you provoke me to rage upon the Lord's Day, knave?
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth
—Marcus Aurelius

non nobis, Domine, non nobis, sed nomini tuo da gloriam

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Hovannes
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:51 am

hugodrax wrote:
Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:29 am
Hovannes wrote:
Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:15 am
The best way to kill a polar bear?

Drill a hole in the ice

Place peas around the hole

When the bears goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Why do you provoke me to rage upon the Lord's Day, knave?
Because you need a laugh!
Maybe not a really good laugh, but it was the best I could come up with on short notice.
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Fainn » Mon Sep 23, 2019 1:37 pm

A young boy in the Smokies came running up to his dad working on his farm.

"Dad, a new pastor is in town and said he's on his way to visit!"
The dad said, "Is he a Baptist pastor or a Methodist one?
"I don't know."
"Run back and find out. If he's a Baptist pastor, come back home and hide the chickens. If he's a Methodist pastor, come back home as soon as you can. Then sit in your mother's lap and don't move until I get there."
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Fri Oct 25, 2019 10:39 am

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know [bleep]?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Fri Oct 25, 2019 10:48 am

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...














You can't tell me that was just a coincidence.
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by durangopipe » Fri Oct 25, 2019 9:05 pm

I come from a family of failed magicians.

















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. . . be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV)

The most improper job of any man, even saints, is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity.. J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Goose55 » Sat Oct 26, 2019 1:28 pm

Man went to a Proctologist for an exam and he asked the nurse for a light and she handed him a Bud Light. He said, "No, a butt light!"
"At present we're on the wrong side of the door. But all the pages of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor that it will not always be so." ~ C.S. Lewis

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