How about a joke thread?

[Hovannes]

Man: Help - my wife is pregnant and for the last few hours can only speak in abbreviated words!

Health Hotline: Time to bring her to the hospital, she's going into contractions.

[CodeMonkey]

[JimVH]

What do you call a reluctant potato?

► Show Spoiler

A hesitater.

[JimVH]

[CodeMonkey]

Years ago I was watching Willard Scott do the weather. He mentioned some business said 'Our assets over 80 million dollars', Willard said 'I wish mine did'.

[Stanley76]

Jay Leno walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?".

[JimVH]

[mont974x4]

Hello FredS

[CodeMonkey]

This comes from a co-worker's grandsons.

Why did the cow cross the road?------- Because he wanted to mooooooove.
Why did the horse cross the road?-------Because he wanted to meet the naaaaaaaaybor.
Why did the farmer cross the road?--------To get his animals back!!!

[michigander]

What did the therapist say to the man wrapped in Saran Wrap?



I can clearly see your nuts.

[Jocose]

Knock knock..

[John-Boy]

Knock knock..

Who's there?

[Jocose]

Knock knock..

Who's there?

Hatch

[CodeMonkey]

What did the ocean say to the shore?







Nothing, it just waved.

[CodeMonkey]

A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.

[CodeMonkey]

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.

[Bloodhound]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "

[CodeMonkey]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "

[JimVH]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "

[CodeMonkey]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"