How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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Hovannes
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Hovannes » Mon Nov 04, 2019 11:43 am

Man: Help - my wife is pregnant and for the last few hours can only speak in abbreviated words!

Health Hotline: Time to bring her to the hospital, she's going into contractions.
DEUS VULT!

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Tue Nov 12, 2019 9:43 pm

Image
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Dec 27, 2019 7:10 pm

What do you call a reluctant potato?


► Show Spoiler
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

"Your boos mean nothing. I see what you cheer." Kevin Sorbo

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Sat Dec 28, 2019 8:09 pm

Image
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

"Your boos mean nothing. I see what you cheer." Kevin Sorbo

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Sat Dec 28, 2019 9:43 pm

Years ago I was watching Willard Scott do the weather. He mentioned some business said 'Our assets over 80 million dollars', Willard said 'I wish mine did'.
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Stanley76 » Sun Dec 29, 2019 9:42 am

Jay Leno walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?".
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Jan 10, 2020 8:47 am

Image
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

"Your boos mean nothing. I see what you cheer." Kevin Sorbo

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by mont974x4 » Fri Jan 10, 2020 11:42 pm

Image


Hello FredS
It sounded better when the voices in my head were saying it.

Ire attracter-at-large and general misanthrope.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Wed Apr 15, 2020 8:29 pm

This comes from a co-worker's grandsons.

Why did the cow cross the road?------- Because he wanted to mooooooove.
Why did the horse cross the road?-------Because he wanted to meet the naaaaaaaaybor.
Why did the farmer cross the road?--------To get his animals back!!!
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by michigander » Thu Apr 16, 2020 5:34 pm

What did the therapist say to the man wrapped in Saran Wrap?



I can clearly see your nuts.

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:28 pm

Knock knock..
"And for Freds sake, DO NOT point anyone towards CPS or you'll put them off of both Christianity and pipe smoking forever." ~ FredS

"This thread makes me sad." ~ SlowToke

"The yutz is silly Jocose. I have him foed yet still have to view his stupid and annoying thread titles." ~ Goose55

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by John-Boy » Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:32 pm

Jocose wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:28 pm
Knock knock..
Who's there?
Praying - coco
Sometimes memes can be helpful as well as humorous - Jocose
Yer mom is kindhearted and well respected in her community - JMG
And when I am sitting on my new saddle, I will know that my weight is resting upon the collective minds of CPS - GaryinVa

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Jocose » Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:40 pm

John-Boy wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:32 pm
Jocose wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:28 pm
Knock knock..
Who's there?
Hatch
"And for Freds sake, DO NOT point anyone towards CPS or you'll put them off of both Christianity and pipe smoking forever." ~ FredS

"This thread makes me sad." ~ SlowToke

"The yutz is silly Jocose. I have him foed yet still have to view his stupid and annoying thread titles." ~ Goose55

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:33 pm

What did the ocean say to the shore?







Nothing, it just waved.
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:35 pm

A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:00 pm

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by Bloodhound » Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:02 pm

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
Scott ( aka - Thor )
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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:37 pm

Bloodhound wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:02 pm
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
:lol:
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by JimVH » Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:07 pm

CodeMonkey wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:37 pm
Bloodhound wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:02 pm
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
:lol:
:lol: :lol:
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

"Your boos mean nothing. I see what you cheer." Kevin Sorbo

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Re: How about a joke thread?

Post by CodeMonkey » Fri Apr 17, 2020 11:11 pm

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

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