How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 10:43 pm

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

(You're going to hate me for this...)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ COSTCO"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 10:56 pm

Parking Cop's Funeral!

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking cop’s funeral a voice from inside screams –

‘’ I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out! ’’

The pastor smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters -

‘’ Too bloody late pal, I’ve done the paperwork ’’
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:16 pm

I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE
TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE. 1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your
hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll
have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt,
screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability
of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a
wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get
in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines
(or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.



7.Law of the Bath - When the body is
fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The
probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to
prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity
of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several
times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the
end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats
come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and
stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit
down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there
are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The
chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is
possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A
closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing
Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel
well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay
sick. This has been proven over
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:18 pm

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that it's Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:34 pm

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it.
He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.


The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:45 pm

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:52 pm

Windows vs. Ford Motor Co.


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6..... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?"before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by yetanotherbob » Mon Apr 07, 2014 5:59 am

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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Post by gaining_age » Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:08 am

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird.
The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?"

The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."
Out of control odd rare old man (or possibly an hobbyist). -- Label by The Big R.
The 6s of 1st John:
2:6 Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus walked
3:6 No one who lives in him keeps on sinning

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Post by AFRS » Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:10 am

I like to laugh. The more, the better.

However, I'd like to point out that a dedicated joke thread kind of defeats the purpose of CPS. I mean, it's all a joke isn't it?

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 9:52 pm

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology ---- all we did was correct his eyesight."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 9:57 pm

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 9:59 pm

A Englishman and an Scotsman entered a chocolate shop. As they were busy looking around the Scotsman stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store the Scotsman said to the Englishman "Mon, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You canna beat that."

The Englishman replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you some real stealing."

So they went up to the counter and the Englishman said to the shopkeeper "Do you want to see some real magic?"

The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."

The Englishman said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Englishman asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Englishman replied:

"Check in my Scottish friend's pocket and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:05 pm

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT



Barack Obama and Joe Biden today announced that they are changing the eagle in our national seal to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A Condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:17 pm

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:21 pm

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN
BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST
SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU HE ALSO EXPLAINED
A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST.
MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:24 pm

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:29 pm

CROWS

They found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crows could only say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:47 pm

Try this the next time you are pulled over

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by yetanotherbob » Tue Apr 08, 2014 5:20 am

WHY OLD GUYS DON'T GET HIRED

At a job interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness.?"

Older Man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't really think honesty is a weakness."

Older Man: "I don't really give a sh*t what you think."
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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