How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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yetanotherbob
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Post by yetanotherbob » Tue Apr 08, 2014 8:37 am

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy and as he nears
the top of the ladder he begins shaking and gets dizzy. He calls
down to Murphy and says "I tink I will 'ave ter go 'ome. I've come
all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "'Ave yer got vertigo."
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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Post by Hovannes » Tue Apr 08, 2014 10:27 pm

Dalai Lama goes into a take away pizza place and says to the guy behind the counter... "Can you make me one with everything....?"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Tue Apr 08, 2014 10:35 pm

France Advisory (Classic)



The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.


General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and
with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are
champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that
the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak
English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at
all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and
have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in
general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined;
and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it
from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing
is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each
other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel
in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier
mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on
much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the
Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is
now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.
Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the
South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not
available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And
nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all.

If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on
strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's
principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine,
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into
Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is
Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important
holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St.
Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely
for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that
you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the
loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5:l5
am and 5:20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is
supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified
dentists or something similarly useless.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by TNLawPiper » Tue Apr 08, 2014 11:19 pm

Love it, Hov!
Stat crux dum volvitur orbis.

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Post by AFRS » Wed Apr 09, 2014 9:06 am

The only bit I believe is: "compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about."

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Post by yetanotherbob » Wed Apr 09, 2014 10:47 am

I got fired from my job as a bingo caller. Who knew that 'A meal
for two with a terrible view' is not the way to announce the number
69.
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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Post by Irish-Dane » Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:20 pm

yetanotherbob wrote:I got fired from my job as a bingo caller. Who knew that 'A meal
for two with a terrible view' is not the way to announce the number
69.
8O

:lol: :lol: :lol:
It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. --Colton

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Post by JudgeRusty » Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:35 pm

Hovannes wrote:I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE
TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE. 1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your
hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll
have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt,
screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability
of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a
wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get
in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines
(or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.



7.Law of the Bath - When the body is
fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The
probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to
prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity
of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several
times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the
end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats
come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and
stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit
down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there
are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The
chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is
possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A
closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing
Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel
well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay
sick. This has been proven over
20. Cole's Law - finely chopped cabbage
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

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Post by yetanotherbob » Wed Apr 09, 2014 3:27 pm

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been tapping your wife, day and night,
when you're not around. In fact, far more than you. I'm not
getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live
with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology
with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Damn autocorrect! I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'. Sorry!!!!!!!
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 12, 2014 7:44 am

Jewish Cab Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City
and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing,
lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie,
what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking,
and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 12, 2014 7:45 am

One day while playing golf I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

Are you okay, what's your name?"

"Its Andy, and I’m okay thanks," I replied.

"Andy, forget your troubles and come to my villa to recover and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's very nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . and I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart,,,," I said . . .
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Irish-Dane » Sat Apr 12, 2014 8:20 am

Hovannes wrote:CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN
BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST
SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU HE ALSO EXPLAINED
A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST.
MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Hov, you have me laughing way too loud than is appropriate for a bank setting.
It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. --Colton

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Post by Spyderweb » Sat Apr 12, 2014 8:25 am

Thanks Hov for the thread and the posts. Very funny!

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 12, 2014 8:53 am

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.

If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.

What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool?
Show me your mussels.


Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"

Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?
Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don't do trades.
Last edited by Hovannes on Sat Apr 12, 2014 9:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 12, 2014 9:05 am

A horse walks into a fancy cocktail bar.
The bouncer says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a tie.”
The horse goes out to his car, looks in the trunk and gets a set of jump cables, which he ties around his neck.
He goes back in and says to the bouncer: “This alright?”
The bouncer says: “Hmm, ok... but don’t try to starting anything.”

A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
He downs the lot and says to the bartender: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”
“Why, what have you got?”
“About $2 and a carrot.”

Which side of a horse has more hair?
The outside

Did you hear about the depressed horse?
He told a tale of whoa!

A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
“I’m sorry,” says the bartender. “We don’t serve spirits.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 12, 2014 9:12 am

Always carry a deck of cards when you take a hike in unfamiliar territory. If you find yourself lost and alone, simply sit down, begin to play a game of solitaire and someone will soon come along to reach in and place the red nine on the black ten. Happens every time.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sat Apr 12, 2014 9:13 am

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by DepartedLight » Sat Apr 12, 2014 12:06 pm

Hovannes wrote: When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
That's not a joke. That's BRILLIANT!
DL Jake

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Post by yetanotherbob » Sat Apr 12, 2014 1:36 pm

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair
of shoes. "How do they feel." asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look
at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the
tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well theyth sthill felth a bith tighth."
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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Post by yetanotherbob » Sat Apr 12, 2014 3:02 pm

O.K. True story, not really a joke but in a way it is.

In November of 1980, my wife and I spent a weekend
in Nassau. In the Sunday newspaper was a story of how
the body of a dead man was discovered in an abandoned
house. The article stated that he was bound hand and foot
and had been stabbed several times. And then came that
all-time classic line: "Police say that foul play is suspected."
Seriously!?! Suspected, you say?? What was your first clue
Sherlock?
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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