How about a joke thread?

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
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Post by bean_counter » Sat Apr 12, 2014 3:29 pm

The year: 1870. The place: Pabst Brewery beer garden; orchestra pit.

"Halloo, Hans!"

"Halloo, Franz! Say, vhy you have ein tuba?

"Now, I play zee tuba!"

"But Franz! You are dee best solo e-flat cornet player in der new vorld! You play zee cornet higher und faster dan anyvone! Mit a sveet, sveet tone!"

"Yah, dat I know, Hans. But now I play zee tuba!"

"But Franz, vhy you change from der itsy-bitsy e-flat cornet for dat big, heavy tuba?"

"Vell, Hans, last veek ve played so vell, dat der volk stayed und drank more bier, und Herr Pabst sold more bier dan ever before."

"He zed dat?"

"Yah! Und he vas sooo happy, he said zat dis veek, he vould revard us and fill our instruments mit lager bier! Zo, now I play zee tuba!"
"It's the mark of civilized defecation" - hugodrax

"Perhaps Waste Should Be Left to the Professionals" - John-Boy

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Post by Hovannes » Sun Apr 13, 2014 9:07 pm

Some maxims for mercenaries

1. Pillage, then burn.
2. A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn’t know what’s going on
3. An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.
4. Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.
5. Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.
6. If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
7. If the food is good enough, the grunts will stop complaining about the incoming fire.
8. Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it’s on the far side of the airlock.
9. Never turn your back on an enemy.
10. Sometimes the only way out is through. . . through the hull.
11. Everything is air-droppable at least once.
12. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
13. Do unto others.
14. “Mad Science” means never stopping to ask “what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
15. Only you can prevent friendly fire.
16. Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.
17. The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.
18. If the officers are leading from in front, watch out for an attack from the rear.
19. The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that’s not the same as you being richer.
20. If you’re not willing to shell your own position, you’re not willing to win.
21. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he’s lucky just to be alive, and he’ll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.
22. If you can see the whites of their eyes, somebody’s done something wrong.
23. The company mess and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart
24. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a big gun.
25. If the damage you do is covered by a manufacturers warranty, you didn’t do enough damage.
27. Don’t be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.
28. If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.
29. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy’s enemy. No more. No less.
30. A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you’ll go.
31. Only cheaters prosper.
32. Anything is amphibious if you can get it back out of the water.
33. If you’re leaving tracks, you’re being followed.
34. If you’re leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.
35. That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.
36. When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.
37. There is no ‘overkill.’ There is only ‘open fire’ and ‘I need to reload.’
38. Just because it’s easy for you doesn’t mean it can’t be hard on your clients.
41. “Do you have a backup?” means “I can’t fix this.”
44. If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool.
47. Don’t expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream engagement.

For the less observant there is no number 26, 39, 40, 42,43, 45 and 46
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by SteveH » Wed Apr 16, 2014 2:16 am

I went to a zoo last week. It only had one animal, a dog. It was a Shi Tzu.

I've just got back from a "once-in-a-lifetime" holiday. I tell you what - never again!

Militant feminists - I take my hat off to them. They hate that!

Years ago I used to supply filofaxes for the mafia. Yes, I was involved in very organised crime.

Recently I’ve been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous – not that they know!

The Grand Old Duke of York – he was a manic depressive. Well, when he was up, he was up…

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day. Lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

Keep Britain Tidy – chop off Norfolk and Cornwall!

Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!

I can’t even count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept… Aarrgghh! Sorry, I’ve got a huit allergy.

We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: I wonder how long he’s been dead

Hopefully I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.


Most of the above are by Milton Jones. The one about the once-in-a-lifetime holiday is by Tim Vine.

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Post by SteveH » Wed Apr 16, 2014 3:10 am

Bloke goes into a Chemist's shop, and says to the assistant "I'd like some deodorant, please." The assistant says "Certainly, sir: ball or aerosol?". "Neither", says the bloke, "I want it for my armpits."

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Post by Hovannes » Wed Apr 16, 2014 7:32 am

SteveH wrote:



We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: I wonder how long he’s been dead

.
:rotfl:
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by yetanotherbob » Wed Apr 16, 2014 10:13 am

From a passenger ship,everyone can see a bearded man
on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving
his hands.

"Who is that man and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks
the captain.

"I have no idea," replies the captain, "but every year when we
pass by, he just goes nuts."
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenaged boys." -- P.J. O'Rourke

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Post by SteveH » Tue Apr 22, 2014 11:58 am

Image
I don't bother with a Jacuzzi - I just fart in the bath.

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Post by Sandlapper » Tue Apr 22, 2014 1:18 pm

An African-American, a communist, an alien, and a Muslim walk into a bar. the bar tender says, "What can I get for you, Mr. President?"
Sandlapper (not sandpaper)<br>"A pipe gives a wise man time to think, and a fool something to put in his mouth."  C.S. Lewis

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Post by Sandlapper » Tue Apr 22, 2014 1:23 pm

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small piano and a little guy about a foot tall who immediately sits down at the piano and begins to play beautifully. The guy nest to him says, "hey, where did you get him?" to which he replied, "Out back in the alley. There is a genie out there granting one wish." So the guy runs out and sure enough there is a big blue genie who asks him, "What is your wish?". The guy replies, "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the sky is filled with every breed of duck know to man, flying in and landing all around him. "You idiot!", he yelled, "I said bucks, not ducks!" To which the genie replied, "Sorry, only one wish per customer!"
The guy goes back into the bar and sits back down and says to the first guy with the piano still going, "What a rip off! I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!" To which the first guy responds, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Sandlapper (not sandpaper)<br>"A pipe gives a wise man time to think, and a fool something to put in his mouth."  C.S. Lewis

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Post by ElgarAlienPooh » Tue Apr 22, 2014 8:22 pm


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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Tue Apr 29, 2014 5:32 pm

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by JimVH » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:12 pm

Hovannes wrote:I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Best chuckle of this thread.
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

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Post by John-Boy » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:12 pm

Hovannes wrote:I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
:lol:
Praying - coco
Sometimes memes can be helpful as well as humorous - Jocose
Yer mom is kindhearted and well respected in her community - JMG
And when I am sitting on my new saddle, I will know that my weight is resting upon the collective minds of CPS - GaryinVa

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Post by JimVH » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:33 pm

JimVH wrote:
Hovannes wrote:I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Best chuckle of this thread.
Thank you, Hov. I'm getting some traction on Facebook with this.
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

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Post by John-Boy » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:36 pm

JimVH wrote:
JimVH wrote:
Hovannes wrote:I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Best chuckle of this thread.
Thank you, Hov. I'm getting some traction on Facebook with this.
You cleaned it up a bit.
Praying - coco
Sometimes memes can be helpful as well as humorous - Jocose
Yer mom is kindhearted and well respected in her community - JMG
And when I am sitting on my new saddle, I will know that my weight is resting upon the collective minds of CPS - GaryinVa

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Post by JimVH » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:49 pm

John-Boy wrote:
JimVH wrote:
JimVH wrote:
Hovannes wrote:I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Best chuckle of this thread.
Thank you, Hov. I'm getting some traction on Facebook with this.
You cleaned it up a bit.
My mom is on FB. I didn't want to get called out in front of the cool people.
"The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days." Ray Wylie Hubbard

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Post by John-Boy » Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:46 pm

JimVH wrote:
John-Boy wrote:
JimVH wrote:
JimVH wrote:
Hovannes wrote:I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Best chuckle of this thread.
Thank you, Hov. I'm getting some traction on Facebook with this.
You cleaned it up a bit.
My mom is on FB. I didn't want to get called out in front of the cool people.
Good call.
Praying - coco
Sometimes memes can be helpful as well as humorous - Jocose
Yer mom is kindhearted and well respected in her community - JMG
And when I am sitting on my new saddle, I will know that my weight is resting upon the collective minds of CPS - GaryinVa

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Hovannes
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Post by Hovannes » Wed Apr 30, 2014 7:18 am

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends.
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Thu May 01, 2014 7:30 am

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks,
"For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... The head."

"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um... The heart."

"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... Um... Damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!

You've won $100,000!"
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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Post by Hovannes » Sun May 25, 2014 11:21 pm

A Political Fable

Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Bert's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Bert's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells...........
"Praise be to Mary, her child and all those with them in Paradise."---Paulus Kal

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