Things I Wish I Hadn't Said

[Skip]

You gonna eat that?

[beagle_fan]

Of course the ever-popular redneck mantra: "I got this, hold my beer!"

[Sir Moose]

My eyes were really dry. I said, "I've got really dry eyeballs. That's right, I've got dryballs."

My daughter just looked at me and said, "Just...quit...talking."

[JimVH]

My eyes were really dry. I said, "I've got really dry eyeballs. That's right, I've got dryballs."

My daughter just looked at me and said, "Just...quit...talking."

That made my afternoon.

[fiddlestix]

My mother taught high school geometry and the year my twin brother was in her class she sat at the overhead projector one day and drew a circumscribed triangle but referred to it as a circumsized triangle. He thought that was fun...

She is as proper a woman as you've ever met and I've never heard a foul word intentionally come out of her mouth, but she was born and raised in south Louisiana and she would get so excited everytime it snowed. One day she was standing at the back window watching it snow and observing how slowly the traffic was moving on the interstate behind our house when she shouted for us all to come look. "A truck just jacked off on the interstate!!" All of us kids looked at each other and tried to find a polite way to tell her the phrase she was looking for was jack-knifed. Oh my, she would kill me if she knew I was posting that story.

[JimVH]

Advice from the HR guy:

Quitting your job publicly, announcing it on social media, and then later trying to pass it off as an April Fools joke will not enhance your career growth.

[DepartedLight]

"I do."

[durangopipe]

"It's nice to see you and your mother" to a guy and his wife.

[durangopipe]

She is as proper a woman as you've ever met and I've never heard a foul word intentionally come out of her mouth, but she was born and raised in south Louisiana and she would get so excited everytime it snowed. One day she was standing at the back window watching it snow and observing how slowly the traffic was moving on the interstate behind our house when she shouted for us all to come look. "A truck just jacked off on the interstate!!" All of us kids looked at each other and tried to find a polite way to tell her the phrase she was looking for was jack-knifed. Oh my, she would kill me if she knew I was posting that story.

LOVE this one!

[JimVH]

[JimVH]

My wife called while I was at the lunch table with coworkers today. She suggested that we stay the night at a cat-owning family member's house on an upcoming trip. I blurted out, "No, honey, I will not spend the night at a cat house."

[DepartedLight]

My wife called while I was at the lunch table with coworkers today. She suggested that we stay the night at a cat-owning family member's house on an upcoming trip. I blurted out, "No, honey, I will not spend the night at a cat house."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[dasmokeryaget]

I was best man at my uncle's wedding. My cousin, his son was running video camera to record ceremony.

Me: Art, this woman scares the hell out of me.

Art: You? She's gonna be my step mother. Lady's a freak show.

Art had already hit "record"

[DepartedLight]

I was best man at my uncle's wedding. My cousin, his son was running video camera to record ceremony.

Me: Art, this woman scares the hell out of me.

Art: You? She's gonna be my step mother. Lady's a freak show.

Art had already hit "record"

Awesome. Art gets the bigger hit. Well done.

[hugodrax]

What I said to Jo haunts me.

[DepartedLight]

What I said to Jo haunts me.

Did you say the L word and he didn’t reciprocate?

[Fainn]

What I said to Jo haunts me.

Did you say the L word and he didn’t reciprocate?

Lol

Sent from my SM-J337A using Tapatalk

[Fainn]

I went to a messianic synagogue a few times where I said I was newish and looking to convert to Newdyism which sounded way too close to nudism whe I said it out loud.

Sent from my SM-J337A using Tapatalk

[durangopipe]

My wife called while I was at the lunch table with coworkers today. She suggested that we stay the night at a cat-owning family member's house on an upcoming trip. I blurted out, "No, honey, I will not spend the night at a cat house."

I guess you’re in the doghouse now.

[Cleon]

In high school I was a bagger\stocker at grocery store. Once, in the middle of summer, I carried an older woman's groceries to her car and she popped the trunk for me to load them. Her trunk was filled with wrapped Christmas presents. I said, "Getting and early start, huh?" She replied, "Yes. The doctor said I might not make it to Christmas."