A friend and I were on the staff of the campus literary magazine back in the day (mid 1970s) and thought it would be swell to change the format to a campus humor magazine like the Harvard Lampoon. Wisely the notion was nixed by the authorities but not before my friend and I compiled an advice column which was probably banned. I don't remember nor do I remember who wrote which entry, but today, while doing some serious de-junking of the storage room I found a yellowed file labeled
Dr. Gonzo's Column
Dear Doctor Gonzo,
What should I look for in a suitable lifetime companion?
Double Helix,
Moody Bible Institute
Chicago, Ill.
Dear Double Helix (is that your real name?)
A really fine watch, a pet turtle, a redwood sapling, a Volkswagen beetle, (dogs only last about ten years) A pipe, a stuffed trout, a piece of hardwood, moose antlers, an envelope, a blunderbuss, a foreign language, a baritone horn, and women with big bazooms are all excellent lifetime companions
Dr. Gonzo
Dear Dr. Gonzo,
I don't like your answer. In fact I don't like you. Here I am, a kid who needs your help and you give me a jackshit answer like moose antlers?
D,H.
M.B.I.
C.I.
I've had my moose antlers for almost fifty years and they have never let me down. Of course, you might feel that you are too good for moose antlers.
Boy, have you got a lot to learn
Dr. G
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dr. Gonzo'
What advise do you have for three teenage girls about to go out on their first date?
Signed,
Karen, Martina and Ruby
Dear Karen, Martina and Ruby
Go out with three fellas
Sincerely,
Dr. Gonzo
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dr. Gonzo.
My brother Arfons sucks his teeth. It is driving me crazy.
Even our pet cow, Missy, won;t give milk any more.
Signed, Cerfew Hogsbreath,
Balcutha, Ind.
Dear Cerfew,
First of all, cows don't give milk, they provide milk.
I have never known a cow to give anything,
Missy won't provide milk for reasons of her own. Don't blame Arfons either.
Cows suck their teeth too, only they do it when no one is looking.
Dr. Gonzo
Banned in Fresno!
- Hovannes
- Minister of Unanswered Threads
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Banned in Fresno!
"What doesn't kill you, gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor."