Banned in Fresno!

[Hovannes]

A friend and I were on the staff of the campus literary magazine back in the day (mid 1970s) and thought it would be swell to change the format to a campus humor magazine like the Harvard Lampoon. Wisely the notion was nixed by the authorities but not before my friend and I compiled an advice column which was probably banned. I don't remember nor do I remember who wrote which entry, but today, while doing some serious de-junking of the storage room I found a yellowed file labeled
Dr. Gonzo's Column

Dear Doctor Gonzo,

What should I look for in a suitable lifetime companion?

Double Helix,
Moody Bible Institute
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Double Helix (is that your real name?)

A really fine watch, a pet turtle, a redwood sapling, a Volkswagen beetle, (dogs only last about ten years) A pipe, a stuffed trout, a piece of hardwood, moose antlers, an envelope, a blunderbuss, a foreign language, a baritone horn, and women with big bazooms are all excellent lifetime companions

Dr. Gonzo


Dear Dr. Gonzo,

I don't like your answer. In fact I don't like you. Here I am, a kid who needs your help and you give me a jackshit answer like moose antlers?

D,H.
M.B.I.
C.I.

I've had my moose antlers for almost fifty years and they have never let me down. Of course, you might feel that you are too good for moose antlers.
Boy, have you got a lot to learn

Dr. G

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Gonzo'

What advise do you have for three teenage girls about to go out on their first date?

Signed,
Karen, Martina and Ruby

Dear Karen, Martina and Ruby

Go out with three fellas

Sincerely,
Dr. Gonzo

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Gonzo.

My brother Arfons sucks his teeth. It is driving me crazy.
Even our pet cow, Missy, won;t give milk any more.

Signed, Cerfew Hogsbreath,
Balcutha, Ind.


Dear Cerfew,

First of all, cows don't give milk, they provide milk.
I have never known a cow to give anything,
Missy won't provide milk for reasons of her own. Don't blame Arfons either.
Cows suck their teeth too, only they do it when no one is looking.

Dr. Gonzo