Diary of a Bald Pipe Smoker

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UncleBob
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Diary of a Bald Pipe Smoker

Post by UncleBob » Thu Dec 12, 2013 9:48 pm

This is in response to Monarchist's rebuke for too few threads on pipe smoking and ephemera. I was a tobacconist for 14 years and, over that time, I talked a lot about pipes, tobacco, cigars, accessories, and so on. Perhaps I felt I had said enough on the matter; perhaps I am lazy with my forum responsibilities. I don't know. So, I will post here from time to time about 'baccy (oh yes, I went there you OFG) or whatever concerning the Gentle Art. I suspect that this thread will only continue if there is some interaction and comments but, who knows?

I, like any anthropologist, must begin with the arrival story.

I purchased my first pipe the second week of April, 1991; I was 23. I chose to start smoking a pipe simply because I worked in a convenience store in Springfield MO and I would occasionally stock Captain Black Gold and it smelled so good. I never had any desire to smoke cigarettes or cigars nor chew tobacco. However, there was something about that blend; I knew I had to try it.

So one day in April I dropped my then wife off at SMSU to attend a class and found myself killing a couple of hours before I picked her up again. During that time I walked into a small store nestled in a strip mall on East Battlefield in Springfield. I well remember looking around at the various wares but no one came to greet me. I was there about 15 minutes or so when, as I prepared to leave, a rather large and wildly groomed fellow emerged from what I later learned was the humidor and bellowed, "Hey! Can I help you?"

I was somewhat startled at the figure that deserves some description. He was a large fellow, 6'4" at least with a prodigious paunch and sporting brownish-red hair to his shoulders and a beard too his clavicles. He had a reddish face with a broad forehead that looked like no hat made by man could cover. He was dressed in flannel plaid, straining jeans overlapped by his belly, and brown hiking boots. He instantly reminded me of a younger Santa Claus moonlighting as a lumber jack. My first response to him was a chuckle; I liked him from the start. His name is Bert Smith.

I don't remember too many specifics from that first encounter other than his initial impression no doubt reified by retelling when I later worked at Just For Him, the tobacco shop into which I stumbled. However, I do remember a few details:

1. I purchased my first pipe that day: a Savinelli Tivoli 606 KS for the outrageous sum of $29.95 + tax. It came with a pack of balsa inserts which I never used. In fact, I left them on the counter and Bert gave them to me on my next visit. I still have them here somewhere.

2. I purchased a real Czech Tool (the shorter model) for $.75. I used it for years and I still have it somewhere.

3. I received a box of Just For Him matches which had just arrived the day before.

4. I purchased a bundle of BJ Long's pipe cleaners (with the yellow band) for $.65. It is the style I still use to this day.

5. I was given 1oz of Lane 1Q to go with the pipe. The price at the time was $.99 per ounce or $14.95 per pound.

Bert showed me how to pack, smoke, and clean my pipe. I still have this pipe and smoke it regularly in my rotation. We chatted about blues music and then I had to go.

Later, I picked up my then wife in front of SMSU while I smoking my pipe. Her eyes instantly went to the pipe and said (in a rather mean voice, I might add), "Where did you get that pipe?!?"

"I didn't mean to.", I responded, "This big hairy guy just appeared out of no where and I ended up buying this pipe!"

Now, my then wife was rather religious and what I liked to think of as "judgey". She declared, "It was The Devil, dear!" And I suppose it could be argued that she was right.

-UncleBob

Written while smoking RLP-6 a Savinelli Tivoli 606 KS.
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Post by TNLawPiper » Fri Dec 13, 2013 12:28 am

Great story, Bob! It seems the employees of tobaccanists are typically eccentric guys. I hope to hear more about your tenure at JFH in the future.

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Post by Del » Fri Dec 13, 2013 1:14 am

If you visit Uhle's Tobacco in Milwaukee, you will swiftly discover some employees who are only slightly eccentric but very pretty. Laurel can smoke a cigar and ride a motorcycle like a reg'lar guy!
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Post by Ethell » Fri Dec 13, 2013 5:54 am

Do continue!

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Post by Rusty » Fri Dec 13, 2013 6:16 am

Then wife?

Something is missing. Ah the conditional clause!
If <condition> Then assert something with a wife. Try that. Did the authority that married you happen to say "... until death do you part" when you were married, the first time? Maybe that's what is missing... If <dead> then .... Are you dead?

How many wives have you rejected? We need an inventory. Ye Complete Inventorie of Wives for sinner Bob as tolde in his Bragging Tobacco Blog.

I thought you were single, a bachelor, heroically and cleverly living the righteous independent male life and exhorting & warning others to do the same. And you weren't.

And we were beginning to give in on effeminate men... sheesh. Why aren't Christians outraged? Isn't this infidelity or something? What is Christianity coming to?
More to the point why should we believe his tobacco blog? Perhaps it wasn't Cpt Black at all. Maybe he was doin' the Nuns? Ahhhh now we're getting there.
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Post by UncleBob » Fri Dec 13, 2013 6:26 am

Rusty wrote:Then wife?

Something is missing. Ah the conditional clause!
If <condition> Then assert something with a wife. Try that. Did the authority that married you happen to say "... until death do you part" when you were married, the first time? Maybe that's what is missing... If <dead> then .... Are you dead?
I was married from Dec 1990 to May 1992. It was annulled and I (we) escaped a horrible situation. Ironically, my now wife and I joke about the 'til death etc. part because the vows as read state that I am released at death but she is married "for all eternity".
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Many of the points here, taken to their logical conclusions, don't hold up to logic; they're simply Godded-up ways of saying "I don't like that." - Skip

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." -Mark Twain

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Post by coco » Fri Dec 13, 2013 6:32 am

Ethell wrote:Do continue!
"Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a cob with a forever lucite stem." (Pipverbs 1:1)
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Post by Rusty » Fri Dec 13, 2013 6:32 am

UncleBob wrote:
Rusty wrote:Then wife?

Something is missing. Ah the conditional clause!
If <condition> Then assert something with a wife. Try that. Did the authority that married you happen to say "... until death do you part" when you were married, the first time? Maybe that's what is missing... If <dead> then .... Are you dead?
I was married from Dec 1990 to May 1992. It was annulled and I (we) escaped a horrible situation. Ironically, my now wife and I joke about the 'til death etc. part because the vows as read state that I am released at death but she is married "for all eternity".
So you're alive and therefore have just two wives. Well.... I suppose King Henry VIII did it too... Have you beheaded any other wives? I never liked that part. Broken with Rome? Become the head of a church? Bob's Temple of Lubbock. Has a ring to it.
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Post by UncleBob » Fri Dec 13, 2013 6:39 am

Rusty wrote:
UncleBob wrote:
Rusty wrote:Then wife?

Something is missing. Ah the conditional clause!
If <condition> Then assert something with a wife. Try that. Did the authority that married you happen to say "... until death do you part" when you were married, the first time? Maybe that's what is missing... If <dead> then .... Are you dead?
I was married from Dec 1990 to May 1992. It was annulled and I (we) escaped a horrible situation. Ironically, my now wife and I joke about the 'til death etc. part because the vows as read state that I am released at death but she is married "for all eternity".
So you're alive and therefore have just two wives. Well.... I suppose King Henry VIII did it too... Have you beheaded any other wives? I never liked that part. Broken with Rome? Become the head of a church? Bob's Temple of Lubbock. Has a ring to it.
I suppose that some of the more fundamental folks around here may think I am livin' in sin. We all have our foibles. However, the vast preponderance of Christians in the USA wouldn't consider it living in sin--especially since mine could be considered a "Biblical" divorce. In other words, adultery was involved.

This is the last post I will discuss this issue here.
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Many of the points here, taken to their logical conclusions, don't hold up to logic; they're simply Godded-up ways of saying "I don't like that." - Skip

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." -Mark Twain

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Post by gravel » Fri Dec 13, 2013 6:54 am

Good stuff UB!

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Post by fiddlestix » Fri Dec 13, 2013 7:07 am

Great story! When did you leave JFH? Too bad I was late to this little hobby of ours. I would have enjoyed getting visiting with you in the store. I only have time to go in once every two or three weeks, usually on a Friday or Saturday evening, and there's not always a lot of "pipe guys" in there then, but I still enjoy the folks and the store.

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Post by Irish-Dane » Fri Dec 13, 2013 8:20 am

I see you posted this in the Blogs room. Do you have a separate blog or blogs, or have you turned this individual thread into a blog... of sorts? If the second, I love it.

Back on topic, it's interesting (to me) how some gents have very specific memories of their first pipe experience, and others have next-to-nothing. This Bert bloke sounds like a good character, and definitely memorable.
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Post by serapion » Fri Dec 13, 2013 9:58 am

MORE BERT!
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Post by UncleBob » Fri Dec 13, 2013 10:14 am

fiddlestix wrote:Great story! When did you leave JFH? Too bad I was late to this little hobby of ours. I would have enjoyed getting visiting with you in the store. I only have time to go in once every two or three weeks, usually on a Friday or Saturday evening, and there's not always a lot of "pipe guys" in there then, but I still enjoy the folks and the store.
I left JFH August 2006. The last time I visited JFH, it looked little like a pipe shop and more like a cigar shop. Alas! Nothing stays the same.
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Many of the points here, taken to their logical conclusions, don't hold up to logic; they're simply Godded-up ways of saying "I don't like that." - Skip

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." -Mark Twain

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Post by UncleBob » Fri Dec 13, 2013 10:15 am

Irish-Dane wrote:I see you posted this in the Blogs room. Do you have a separate blog or blogs, or have you turned this individual thread into a blog... of sorts? If the second, I love it.

Back on topic, it's interesting (to me) how some gents have very specific memories of their first pipe experience, and others have next-to-nothing. This Bert bloke sounds like a good character, and definitely memorable.
I envision this thread as a blog... of sorts.

:taco:
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Many of the points here, taken to their logical conclusions, don't hold up to logic; they're simply Godded-up ways of saying "I don't like that." - Skip

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." -Mark Twain

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Post by UncleBob » Fri Dec 13, 2013 10:16 am

serapion wrote:MORE BERT!
You got it. More Bert to come.
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Many of the points here, taken to their logical conclusions, don't hold up to logic; they're simply Godded-up ways of saying "I don't like that." - Skip

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." -Mark Twain

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Post by Del » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:18 am

UncleBob wrote:However, the vast preponderance of Christians in the USA wouldn't consider it living in sin--especially since mine could be considered a "Biblical" divorce. In other words, adultery was involved.
Alas, that is how the King James Version mistranslated the teaching of Christ, and has become dogma among English-speaking Protestants.

Adultery does not annul a Christian marriage. Ancient Greek had a perfectly good word for adultery, and that is not the word that was recorded in Scripture. Pornea actually means illegal or illicit unions -- Marriages that were defective at the beginning because of some legal matter, such as marrying a close relative or marrying someone who is already married to (although civilly "divorced" from) another spouse.

The notion that we can reverse what God has joined by an act of adultery is just the sort of pelvic theology that Henry VIII encouraged.

Here is a typical translation of Mt 19:9:
NIV wrote:9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
It really should say something like "except for marriages that were illicit from the onset."

However.... if your first wife was playing at adultery as a newlywed then she probably never meant to be faithful in the first place. That lack of intention to fully enter into marriage would be grounds for a biblical annulment. She lied, from the start. There was never a marriage.
Last edited by Del on Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Cleon » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:25 am

What's this thread about anyway?
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Post by Rusty » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:29 am

Cleon wrote:What's this thread about anyway?
Sin, pipe tobacco, and pelvic theology. Oh and Bert.... mustn't forget Bert.
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Post by Irish-Dane » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:40 am

See, here's the problem with using CPS as a blog UB... you can't delete moronic comments that don't add to the conversation. (And no Rusty, before your sinful panties get up in a bunch, that wasn't directed at you.)
It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. --Colton

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