Joke for the day---

The part of the church where the silliest things happen. Conversations that sound like they belong in the youth room will be moved here.
User avatar
ReverendThom
A Mari Usque Ad Mare
A Mari Usque Ad Mare
Posts: 3373
Joined: Wed Jul 29, 2015 9:08 am
Location: Winnipeg, MB
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by ReverendThom » Wed Mar 07, 2018 6:32 pm

I imagine simply "church seating chart" would work, too.Image

Sent from my SM-G935W8 using Tapatalk

"Pipe smokers used to be among the smartest people walking around. It's not true anymore." - Rusty

User avatar
hugodrax
All Around Nice Guy
All Around Nice Guy
Posts: 16268
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:00 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by hugodrax » Wed Mar 07, 2018 6:40 pm

ReverendThom wrote:
Wed Mar 07, 2018 6:32 pm
I imagine simply "church seating chart" would work, too.Image

Sent from my SM-G935W8 using Tapatalk
Really? Aristocrats, old ladies, and aristocratic old ladies sit up front around here. Families with young children in the rear, ranked according to size of the tithes. False humility and the incontinent in the way back.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

User avatar
Axminster
Congregation
Congregation
Posts: 86
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2014 6:00 pm
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by Axminster » Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:34 pm

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Whithers.


Where do the Polish keep their armies?

In their sleevies

User avatar
hugodrax
All Around Nice Guy
All Around Nice Guy
Posts: 16268
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:00 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by hugodrax » Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:49 pm

JudgeRusty wrote:
Mon Feb 26, 2018 8:07 pm
I have one EpiPen. An old friend gave it to me as he was dying; it seemed real important to him that I have it.
One of my all time favorite clean jokes.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

User avatar
Sir Moose
President Jar-Jar Binks fan club: "Meesa tink he da best!" - Perpetually in Trouble
President Jar-Jar Binks fan club: "Meesa tink he da best!" - Perpetually in Trouble
Posts: 3028
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2015 1:17 am
Location: NW Washington
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by Sir Moose » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:46 am

Q: If you weigh a whale at a whale weighing station, where do you weigh a pie?

A: Somewhere, over the rainbow.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

User avatar
JudgeRusty
Didn't even get to wear his hat
Didn't even get to wear his hat
Posts: 6095
Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2011 6:00 pm
Location: VA

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by JudgeRusty » Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:58 am

34 degrees, starting to snow. Office closed due to winter conditions for customers and workers who live in nearby mountains. Not permitted to walk across street to office and get any work done. That's a joke.
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

User avatar
JudgeRusty
Didn't even get to wear his hat
Didn't even get to wear his hat
Posts: 6095
Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2011 6:00 pm
Location: VA

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by JudgeRusty » Mon Mar 12, 2018 4:11 am

A man walks into a restaurant
and he looks at the long menu
And finally the waiter comes around
And says, “What can I do for you?”
“How do you prepare your chickens?”
Says the man. The waiter replies
“We don’t do anything special.
We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”




gk
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal

User avatar
rgcurrey
Elder
Elder
Posts: 725
Joined: Fri Jan 26, 2018 2:49 pm
Location: NW Fla., dreaming about Montana to the Yukon

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by rgcurrey » Mon Mar 12, 2018 11:29 am

Q: How many jokes are there about attorneys?
A: Three, the rest of them are true stories.
Well I got a job and tried to put my money away
But I got debts that no honest man can pay - B. Springsteen

And he said to the man,
"Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom,
and to turn away from evil is understanding." - Job 28:28

User avatar
hugodrax
All Around Nice Guy
All Around Nice Guy
Posts: 16268
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:00 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by hugodrax » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:11 pm

Q: how many policeman does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: none. They take turns beating the room because it's black.
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

User avatar
TwoXseveN
I'm the Sassy One
Posts: 11851
Joined: Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:00 pm
Location: Grand Rapids MI.
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by TwoXseveN » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:25 pm

Did you know you are not allowed to use "beefstew" as an internet password?



It's not stroganoff.
I'm what some CPS'ers have called, "Better than advertised".

User avatar
hugodrax
All Around Nice Guy
All Around Nice Guy
Posts: 16268
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:00 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by hugodrax » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:42 pm

TwoXseveN wrote:
Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:25 pm
Did you know you are not allowed to use "beefstew" as an internet password?



It's not stroganoff.
I'm gonna steal that one
Etiam mihi opinio anserem perirent.

User avatar
UncleBob
CPS Theological Dogmatician
CPS Theological Dogmatician
Posts: 34000
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2004 6:00 pm
Location: Lubbock, TX USA
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by UncleBob » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:46 pm

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Many of the points here, taken to their logical conclusions, don't hold up to logic; they're simply Godded-up ways of saying "I don't like that." - Skip

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." -Mark Twain

User avatar
UncleBob
CPS Theological Dogmatician
CPS Theological Dogmatician
Posts: 34000
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2004 6:00 pm
Location: Lubbock, TX USA
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by UncleBob » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:48 pm

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Many of the points here, taken to their logical conclusions, don't hold up to logic; they're simply Godded-up ways of saying "I don't like that." - Skip

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." -Mark Twain

User avatar
Sir Moose
President Jar-Jar Binks fan club: "Meesa tink he da best!" - Perpetually in Trouble
President Jar-Jar Binks fan club: "Meesa tink he da best!" - Perpetually in Trouble
Posts: 3028
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2015 1:17 am
Location: NW Washington
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by Sir Moose » Mon Mar 12, 2018 8:06 pm

Do you know what it means when a preacher says, "And in conclusion..."?

Absolutely nothing.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

User avatar
Sir Moose
President Jar-Jar Binks fan club: "Meesa tink he da best!" - Perpetually in Trouble
President Jar-Jar Binks fan club: "Meesa tink he da best!" - Perpetually in Trouble
Posts: 3028
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2015 1:17 am
Location: NW Washington
Contact:

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by Sir Moose » Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:23 am

Sex and good grammar...

On his 75th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction. He drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man handed a potion to him, and warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "and when she does, the medicine will stop immediately and will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

User avatar
Roadmaster
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 12999
Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 6:00 pm
Location: Missouri The Show-me State

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by Roadmaster » Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:20 pm

Hard to follow that one, no pun intended.


A new inmate is put into his cell, meets his cell mate and as they are standing at the bars someone down the line yells 49! The entire cell block erupts into loud laughter. When it's again quiet, someone else yells 27! And again the cell block echoes with laughter. A couple seconds pass and someone yells out 59! the uproar again echos.

The new newbie asks his cell mate what the hell's going on?
His cell mate explains that they've been locked up for so long that everyone has heard the jokes before so to save time they give them numbers...that way we can tell our favorite jokes easier.

So the new prisoner yells out 53! No response from anyone. Quiet. So he yells out 14! Church mouse quiet. No laughter at all. The new guy asks his cell mate what's going on, nobody laughed, nothing. His cell mate looks at him and says well, some guys know how to tell a joke, some guys don't.
Never let yourself be persuaded that any one Great Man, any one leader, is necessary to the salvation of America. When America consists of one leader and 158 million followers, it will no longer be America.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

User avatar
CodeMonkey
Brother of the Briar
Brother of the Briar
Posts: 4724
Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:00 pm
Location: Dark side of the moon

Re: Joke for the day---

Post by CodeMonkey » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:50 pm

Waldo was showing Al his new house. When they got to the third floor he showed a beautiful grand piano. Al asked him how he managed to get a piano up to the third floor. Waldo told him that he hitched the cat to it. Al asked how did you get a cat to pull a grand piano up three flights of stairs. Waldo told Al that he used a whip.

The moral of the story is that with proper motivation anything can be accomplished.
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play” – Newspaper reporter.

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

Post Reply